Let's Play Pretend
by darkredlipstick
Summary: We like pretending we're normal. That we're not screwed up on the inside and secretly - we're okay. It's the only thing we can do right." Anorexia/Bulimia story. Carly's POV with a dash of Seddie&Cibby
1. I Knew You Were Special

"_Starvation is control. Control is tough. Bones are beautiful when skinny just isn't enough."_

I panted to myself as I repeated my mantra over and over in my head. I looked back at the treadmill and saw I had only burned 224 calories.

Checking my watch, I saw I had only 20 minutes until Spencer came back from the art museum. Calculating the numbers in my head quickly, I figured if I ran back from the gym and just washed the sweat off of me with a washcloth instead of a shower, I had about 10 more minutes.

Raising the speed and incline on the treadmill by two more, I felt more beads of sweat dripping from my hair. With a struggle, I managed to run my fingers through my dying hair and felt I _really_ needed to wash my hair.

I didn't stop my pace as I continued my exercise. When Spencer got home I'd just tell him, "I had a long day of gym and homework and badly needed a shower. I already ate anyways."

_104.8_ _lbs_.

"_Hmmm. At least you're __**losing**__."_

I sighed in relief almost to myself. Pleasing Ana was rare and it usually meant no names or pain for the time it lasted.

I slipped on my clothes and brushed my hair. As soon as I removed contact from the brush and my hair, I didn't even need to look at the brush to know it held clumps of my broken hair. I sighed again and threw the stray hair in the trash can deep, so nobody could see it.

I grabbed my backpack and headed downstairs to the kitchen. Spencer wasn't out of his room yet.

I took out a granola bar from the cabinet. Always important to eat _something_ at breakfast. Your metabolism depends on it.

I was eating slowly when Spencer came out of his bedroom, bright and cheery. His pajamas and hair were a mess but his face was all-smiles.

"Guess which two siblings are going to the Cheesecake Warehouse tonight because a little sister got all A's on her report card!" Spencer exclaimed, waving a Cheesecake Warehouse coupon in the air.

"Really?" I feigned excitement. Inside secretly I was panicking. I couldn't eat there! There were probably 1000 calories just in the dinner and the cheesecakes were just a whole different story.

"_Say you're already celebrating with Seddie. Have him take Angie instead."_

Angelina Harris was Spencer's new and serious girlfriend. She was pretty and skinny and an artist just like Spencer. They met at an Art Convention in which they were both premiering their pieces to the audience.

"I can't wait! I haven't been- oh wait…aw darn it. I already promised Sam and Freddie I'd celebrate with them tonight," I lied.

Spencer frowned and I panicked again. "But the grades just came in the mail today…how'd you guys already know?"

"_You made the straight A list of honor. You were one of the first to find out your grades."_

"Freddie and I made the straight A honor list. We were one of the firsts to find out our grades." I lied again. I was beginning to think I was lying more than I was telling the truth these days.

"_Ooh adding Freddie. Smart Carly."_

"And you didn't tell your older brother?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Well it's an awesome surprise!" Spencer laughed and hugged me. "It's just a shame to waste this coupon though."

"Take Angie!" I suggested helpfully.

"You're right!" Spencer realized cheerfully hugging me once again. I plastered a fake smile on my face as I watched Spencer ramble on about how he and Angie were getting along _so well_.

Inside my head, I wasn't really listening to Spencer. I'm glad he was happy with Angie but he talks about her _all the time_. I'm pretty sure I know everything Angie wants me to know about her and even more.

And personally? I really could live my whole life without knowing that Angie prefers _Always _ instead of _Stayfree_.

"Hey Carls!" My best friend, Sam Puckett, waved to me from across the hall. It was lunchtime and she was sitting at our usual lunch table.

I smiled and walked over to her, my hand clenching a brown lunch bag.

"What's up, Puckett?" I asked her, sitting down across from her.

"Mm, nothing much. Stupid Briggs gave me detention for falling asleep in class today…_again_…" Sam commented taking a large bite of her pepperoni pizza.

I felt bad for tuning her out but I couldn't help but gawk at the way she ate the pizza. It was like she didn't even notice the disgusting, orange liquid pouring off the pizza. I shuddered at the memory Ana gave me the last time I ever had a pizza.

_(Flashback)_

_I was home alone as I opened the refrigerator door and pulled out a pizza box. I looked inside the box and found three slices of cheese and two slices of pepperoni._

_I took out a slice of cheese and a slice of pepperoni and stuck them in the microwave to heat up. As I waited I began drumming my fingers along the kitchen sink. I spaced out for awhile and didn't realize that my drumming caused a fork to fall off the drying rack._

_I bent over to pick it up when I felt that awful roll of belly fat again. I quickly picked the fork up and put it back on the drying rack. The microwave beeped and I took out the slices of pizza hesitantly._

"_You don't really want to eat that Carly, do you?"__ Ana asked me, in her fake, sugary, sweet tone._

_I had just begun my anorexia and Ana wasn't all familiar to me. All I knew was that she was pretty with her long, wavy brunette hair and bright, electric blue eyes. She had zero acne, zero pimples, zero freckles and zero fat. _

_I looked back at my figure. I had a pouch of my stomach hanging out in front of my jeans. My thighs were the size of Canada. My calves bulged out like bananas._

_But I couldn't ignore the rumbling pain in my stomach. I hadn't eaten lunch earlier and I had a tough workout in gym class. It was beginning to give me a headache._

_Ana noticed how I looked longingly at the pizza. __"It's such a shame, really. I wouldn't want to see it happen to you. Especially you out of all people…"_

"_See what?" I asked out loud. Then I noticed how ridiculous that seemed considering there was no one there._

"_Pizza makes you fat, Carly dear. It makes your insides rot and your skin grow bigger. Next thing you know, you'll have the most famous muffin top at Ridgeway."_

"_But…I'm hungry…" I said uselessly. It was dumb to fight with Ana. After all- she's was always right._

"_Hunger? Let me show you what hunger does to your poor body."__ Ana's tone changed into a more icy tone as she began to show me an image._

_I saw myself, weighing at least 400 pounds. My stomach stuck out like a beer gut. My calves were the size of glass plates. My thighs had huge amounts of cellulite and rumbled as I walked around a little bit. Don't even get me started on the upper part of my body…_

_I next saw an image of the inside of my body all orange and moldy green. There were shapes I could make it but all I could notice was the fact that the tube leading to my stomach was extremely large and at least the size of Spencer's 10 foot tall Skybucks coffee cup._

_I looked back at the plate of pizza. I made up my mind and quickly threw it away._

"_Good girl, Carly. I knew you were special." __Ana said to me, as her voice regained it's fake sweetness._

_(Flashback Over)_

I feigned a smile as I watched Sam stuff the pizza in her mouth, chew it and then swallow. My head began to feel a little dizzy as my stomach quietly rumbled.

"Why aren't you eating, Carls?" Sam asked me, her mouth full of chewed, disgusting, enticing pizza.

I opened my mouth but to my relief, Freddie came.

"Hey ladies," He greeted us sitting next to Sam. I looked at the couple and inwardly sighed. They were the hottest couple at Ridgeway- _everybody_(including Principal Franklin and the rest of the teachers) called them Seddie- and the most romantic. Gladly, I've never seen them, but I know that when they're alone their mouths are doing more than just talking.

Soon, Wendy and Gibby came along to our table. Gibby began to tell a story of what happened not five minutes ago in English class and humoring all of us.

I take advantage of this time to quickly slip away from the table and run to the girls bathroom- which is always empty because girls only come in here 5 minutes before lunch ends.

Nobody sees me leave which relieves me. I slowly through away all my food into the toilet and hesitantly flush it. It would seem it would clog the toilet but I'm only throwing away a turkey sandwich and a cookie.

I quietly sneak back into the cafeteria after a little bit of stalling and reading the new gossip in each stall.

When I get back to the table, nobody's even noticed I was gone.


	2. Finding My Inner Perfection

**Finally I've managed to put this chapter up! It wasn't that it was hard to write, it just hard to not to make it too deep or too critical….which I guess did make it hard to write…**

_Don't dig your grave_

_With your own knife and fork_

_-English Proverb_

* * *

><p><em>I won't eat this. <em>

_But then again- it's just a turkey sandwich….turkey's good for you._

_And it's full of calories! Calories that make me fat._

_But I've already lost so much weight…_

_No I haven't! I've only lost a measly ten pounds. That's __nothing__._

_But I can exercise this-_

I've gotten so pathetic over food- I'm arguing with myself. I get up and make sure Spencer isn't watching me from the couch and I quietly throw away the sandwich. I look back down at my stomach and take relief in the fact that it's not bulging out.

"_Your getting better at this," _Ana observes. _"Your beginning to throw away food without me telling you too."_

"I'm not weak." I stupidly say out loud.

Spencer snaps his head to me. "What'd you say, kiddo?"

"Oh nothing…I was just thinking about this fitness test I had to take earlier in gym. I didn't do so well on the pull-ups and I was just telling myself I'm not weak." I lied.

Spencer accepts this and turns back to his favorite show, Celebrities Under Water.

"_You're __really__ getting better at this," Ana smirks. "Everything that comes out of your mind is practically a lie."_

I sigh heavily at the thought of that when there's a knock on the door. Spencer gets up to open it and in comes Angie.

Perfect, _skinny_ Angie.

"Hey guys!" Angie smiles before kissing Spencer. "I've brought a movie we can all watch. It's that new horror movie out, _Shriek 4_."

The only reason she brought a horror movie is to cuddle with Spencer.

"I've been dying to see this!" Spencer plays along. I know what they're secretly up to. Angie will get "scared" and Spencer will put his arm around her. Not too soon after, they'll be making out.

"You guys go ahead and watch it," I tell them. "I'm supposed to go over Sam's house anyways."

"Have fun and tell Sam I said hey!" Angie tells me before popping the movie in.

I wave goodbye to them before leaving the apartment. Angie popped up in my head. Her wavy brown hair, her green eyes and her tiny figure. She and Keira Knightley were the same exact size, I noticed. I wondered if she, too, had an eating disorder.

I shake away her image of perfection and walk to the park. Sam's probably out with Freddie. It's a Saturday night anyways. That's their date night and after she'll come sleep over at my house.

Once I get to the park I pull out my PearPod and plug the headphones in my ears. I scrolled through my song list and clicked on "Courage".

_I told another lie today__  
><em>_And I got through this day__  
><em>_No one saw through my games__  
><em>_I know the right words to say__  
><em>_Like "I don't feel well"__  
><em>_"I ate before I came"_

_Then someone tells me how good I look__  
><em>_and for a moment__  
><em>_For a moment I am happy__  
><em>_But when I'm alone__  
><em>_No one hears me cry_

_I need you to know__  
><em>_I'm up through the night__  
><em>_Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light__  
><em>_I need you to know__  
><em>_That we'll be okay__  
><em>_Together we can make it through another day_

_I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful__  
><em>_The day I chose not to eat__  
><em>_What I do know is how I changed my life forever__  
><em>_I know I should know better__  
><em>_There are days when I'm okay__  
><em>_And for a moment__  
><em>_For a moment I find hope__  
><em>_But there are days when I'm not okay__  
><em>_And I need your help__  
><em>_So I'm letting go_

_I need you to know__  
><em>_I'm not through the night__  
><em>_Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light__  
><em>_I need you to know__  
><em>_That we'll be okay__  
><em>_Together we can make it through another day_

_You should know you're not on your own__  
><em>_These secrets are walls that keep us alone__  
><em>_I don't know when but I know now__  
><em>_Together we'll make it through somehow__  
><em>_Together we'll make it through somehow_

_I need you to know__  
><em>_I'm not through the night__  
><em>_Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light__  
><em>_I need you to know__  
><em>_That we'll be okay__  
><em>_Together we can make it through another day__  
><em>Somewhere during the song I had closed my eyes to stop the tears that I felt coming to my eyes. I felt stupid. Why should I be crying anyways? I'm becoming skinnier. I'm becoming beautiful. I'm finding my inner perfection.

I opened my eyes again and clicked on another song. "Lucy At The Gym" began playing.

_Lucy at the gym__  
><em>_She's there every time I go,__  
><em>_and I don't go that often, so she must live at the gym__  
><em>_I stare at her ribs they show through the spandex__  
><em>_Her little legs are working, she's going somewhere__  
><em>_She's climbing up the stairs__  
><em>_And when she reaches the top her dreams will be there_

_Lucy at the gym__  
><em>_Lucy on the scale for the third time__  
><em>_Thru thick and thin, Lucy's at the gym__  
><em>_She's staring at the clock and like the 2nd hand she never stops__  
><em>_She's Lucy at the gym_

_When she takes a shower, after all the hours__  
><em>_Does she have a place to go__  
><em>_Is there someone waiting__  
><em>_Or is Lucy all alone_

_I'm at the gym and Lucy's not there__  
><em>_It's got me kinda worried so I imagine the worst__  
><em>_She's made it up to heaven__  
><em>_And when she met her maker, he said "come right in"__  
><em>_"I'll show you around the gym"__  
><em>_"Everyone's beautiful and thin"__  
><em>_"And here there's no sin,__  
><em>_and your life can begin__  
><em>_Lucy at the gym_

I didn't close my eyes or cry this time. I just wondered. Did anyone ever notice how often I went to the gym? Did anyone notice how skinnier I was getting?

Did anyone even _care?_

"_We both know the truth, Carly." _ Ana tells me. "_I'm the one that cares about you. I'm the only who wants you to be beautiful."_

They say anorexia is a psychological disorder. A few nights ago when I was pondering this thought, I had broken down the words.

Psycho Logical.

Logical for a Psycho.

I began to wonder if I was becoming a psycho.

**The songs are Courage by Superchick and Lucy at the Gym by Jill Sobule. I thought they really fit what Carly was going through and what she will eventually be going through.**

**Hopefully I'll get the next chapter up sooner than I did for this one:)**


	3. You Look Like A Skeleton

**I changed the name of this story: All That Glitters. A Perfect Butterfly wasn't really doing anything for me.**

_People don't see me, no one sees me_

_It's like being fat, no on takes you seriously_

_You just don't exist- you're so big. You're not even there._

_-Anonymous quote_

* * *

><p>"Carly? Carly, are you awake?" Angie called me from downstairs.<p>

I got up crankily and rubbed my eyes. _Obviously_ I was _not_ awake if I wasn't answering her.

"Carl-"

"I'm up!" I snapped in frustration, throwing open my bedroom door. I stomped down the stairs and met her in the kitchen.

"Do you need something?"

Angie looked up from her PearPhone. "Good morning! Spencer had an art meeting that started really early today so he asked me to drive you to school."

"He had an art meeting?"

"Yup! The new art museum that's opening down the street from the Groovy Smoothies wants to put some of his art in the exhibits!" Angie said perky as ever.

I just really wanted her to shut up.

I was _starving_ and I barely got any sleep last night. I'd been waking up in the middle of the night, barely able to sleep at all, this past week and tonight was no exception.

I rubbed my eyes and poured myself water to drink. I opened up a cabinet and was immediately filled with the sights of cookies and chocolate and a large cake.

"What the-" I started to ask before slamming the cabinet shut.

"Oh I picked those up yesterday!" Angie said looking up from her BlackBerry. "They're for your party tonight."

"Party?"

"Yeah! The party Spencer's throwing you for getting all A's this semester. And since the last day of school I hear is coming up," Angie winked at me and put her phone down on the counter. "You know…I remember my wildest summer vacation. I was sixteen too and I went down to Mexico with a couple of my girlfriends. We were in our skimpiest bikinis at the beaches and the boys were just drooling."

The whole time she was talking I could practically feel the fat on my body peeping out of my pajamas. I hesitantly grabbed an apple as I listened to Angie go on and on about Mexico.

"_Don't you wish you could make boys drool from the sight of you in a bikini?" _Ana asked me. _"Skip lunch today again and I bet you could make them just so excited…"_

I nearly choked at her reference to health class a few days ago. I swallowed down the rest of the apple and threw it away.

"You want anything else?" Angie asked opening up a few cabinets. "That's a pretty small breakfast."

"Eh…I don't eat much in the mornings. I usually make up for that at lunch." I lied going upstairs.

"Alright but hurry up! We have to leave in twenty minutes!" Angie called.

I rolled my eyes. It might take her an hour to get ready but I could get ready in ten minutes if I tried.

I first weighed myself like I do every morning.

_96.6 lbs._

"_You gained weight." _Ana chided with a curl to her full ruby lips_. "I told you not to eat those crackers yesterday."_

"They were low-fat crackers." I said uselessly stepping off the scale. I then looked in the mirror, like usual in my bra and underwear. I cocked my head to the side and let my hair fall to my shoulders. I could see my shoulder blades thinning and arm fat hanging less. The gap between my thighs was increasing.

But the fat on my stomach wasn't leaving.

I groaned and then grabbed all of my clothes and went inside my room to change. I slid on a pair of jean Capri's and a black lace t-shirt with a white cami-sole under it. I almost threw my hairbrush at the mirror when I looked at my grotesque reflection.

But I controlled myself and continued to brush my hair and ignore all the strands sticking to the brush. I checked my nails to make sure the polish wasn't chipping and I swiped extra foundation under my eyes to hide the bags.

I almost looked normal.

* * *

><p>Angie, as promised, drove me to school and, as usual, wouldn't shut up.<p>

She talked on and on about her latest painting, her favorite bands, what she and Spencer planned to do that night, etc.

But she really caught my attention when she brought up that party again.

"So it's tonight at 7 and we invited all of your friends!" Angie chirped as she stopped at a red light. She turned to look at me and her face got very serious except for the tips of her lips seemed to be curling into a smirk, "And it's a couples only party…"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not dating anybody, Angie. You know that."

"And I also know that Tasha and Gibby broke up-"

"Oh my God."

Angie had been convinced that Gibby was in love with me ever since she saw the both of us together for the first time. And she was convinced that I harbored mixed feelings for him. So she's been going out of her way lately, whenever we had finished iCarly, to make sure Gibby and I had "alone time". She would kick Spencer out of the apartment and take Sam and Freddie with them wherever she decided to go. But her plans never worked because Gibby being Gibby didn't quite grasp the concept of _seduction_.

So we would usually just sit on the couch and watch Girly Cow or talk about the latest gossip I had heard from Wendy and wait until Gibby had to leave.

"He already told us he was coming," Angie said excitedly as she pulled into the Ridgeway parking lot.

"Wait…how come nobody told me until now about this party?" I asked suspiciously.

"Because it was supposed to be a surprise," Angie bluntly said. "But since Gibby RSVP'd- we have to go to the mall later and get you a sexy outfit!"

I rolled my eyes again and got out of the car. "You're a nutcase."

"See you at 2:00!" Angie said as she pulled out of the parking lot.  
>I failed to mention school ended at 3:00 I realized as I walked into the school. I headed towards my locker, ignoring people eating late breakfast's of donuts and muffins. As usual, however, I was greeted by Sam and Freddie making out against her locker.<p>

I made a loud, random, Gibberish sound which broke apart the couple.

"What?" Sam asked me as Freddie said, "Oh hey there, Carly."

"I don't know. I just felt like making noise." I said as I opened my locker.

"Be prepared to make a lot of noise tonight-" Sam had started to say before Freddie slapped his hand over her mouth.

"Because…" He dragged out the word. "We heard Spencer was making an sculpture..that involved noise and we have to go!" Freddie rushed the last part out before dragging Sam away.

I sighed and continued gathering all my stuff when I heard Gibby come up to me.

"Where was Seddie going?" He asked looking in their direction.

"I'm not sure. After Sam nearly told me about my surprise party, Freddie kind of freaked out and dragged her away. Probably going to finish their make-out session I interrupted." I told Gibby.

"Well that's expected I guess and- wait…you know about your surprise party?" Gibby asked me in disbelief.

"Oh yeah, Angie straight out told me this morning when I found all the desserts in our cabinets. Apparently I guess I'll be 'arriving surprised' after she takes me shopping for you-you're…science project and I have to go!" I was a horrible liar and everybody knew it.

I rushed off, leaving a confused Gibby behind, and headed off to class, ignoring Ana's taunts and teasing.

* * *

><p>I was doing my best to stay awake and not let my eyes shut for good as I listened to Mrs. Brigg's droning on about the importance of cultural history and <em>blahblahblah <em>when Mr. Franklin saved our class.

"Carly Shay, you're ride is here. You may leave early." He announced over the intercom.

I had barely heard him until Sam elbowed me. As I began to leave, she shot me a confused glance. I mouthed I'd text her later.

Once I had gone to my locker and gotten all my things, I went outside to Angie's car where she was furiously texting somebody.

"Hi," I said dully getting inside the car.

"Hey, kid! How was school?" Angie chirped too peppy for me right now.

"Exhausting. Wake me up when you get to the mall." I told her, leaning against the seat and shutting my eyes.

I was positive I was only asleep for two seconds when all of a sudden I felt another sharp pain in my ribs.

It took me a second to realize it was Angie's _bony_ elbow rubbing against my fat stomach.

"Rise and shine, Carly! We're at the mall," She said excitedly getting out of the car.

I, tiredly, trudged along behind her as she entered the mall and began searching for clothing stores. I kept pinching myself to stay awake and ignore my stomach growling for a Skybuck's frappicino or coffee or delicious desserts.

"Here we go!" Angie said pulling me inside a small boutique filled with trendy dresses and accessories and shoes.

"You mean this is a dressy kind of party?" I yawned.

"Sort of," Angie began to explain. "All the girls are supposed to wear skirts or dresses and the boys can wear jeans."

"Good luck getting Sam into a dress." I scoffed as I recalled my countless attempts to get her into dresses for dances.

"Apparently she's already got one picked out," Angie said absentmindedly as she went through the dresses.

I began a coughing fit when I heard that. Other girls began staring at us when Angie patted my back.

"Carly! Carly, are you okay?" She asked once I had managed to control my breathing again.

"You said _Sam_ already picked out a _dress_?" I clarified.

Angie nodded like she didn't understand what the big deal was.

"I need to sit down." I said going to sit by a small chair next to the dressing room.

"I'll be ready soon," Angie called to me as she went back to picking out dresses.

I massaged my head as I felt a growing headache. Not too soon after, a few girls walking by noticed me and started squealing almost.

"OMG, you're Carly Shay!" The blonde, _skinny_ one squealed.

"Yeah, that's me." I said smiling weakly.

"You're like, famous! We _love_ iCarly!" The redheaded one said, except she wasn't as thin as the blonde was.

"Can we be on iCarly?" The brunette asked hopefully. I noticed she was even thinner than the blonde.

"Maybe," I shrugged. "I'd have to talk to Sam and Freddie-"

"Oh I love them! They're sososososo cute together!" The blonde exclaimed.

"Yeah, they are." I laughed lightly. "But yeah, you might be able to."

"Thank you sooooooooo much!" The redhead giggled as they all walked away.

I rolled my eyes at their stupidity. Even if Seddie and I talked it over they'd have no way of ever knowing they could be on iCarly. Besides, what would they even do? As far as I know, the only talent they have is giving me a migraine.

"Carly!" Angie called as she came over to me.

Speaking of migraines,

"I found you three _perfect_ dresses!" Angie said shoving them and me into a dressing room.

I sighed as I examined each one. I pulled off my clothes and tried on the first one.

It was a hot pink dress that was strapless. There was a black ribbon wrapped tightly around the waist and the bottom of the dress had a ripple affect.

It was pretty but not _perfect_. The dress made my legs look weird…almost like sticks…

Of course I was dying to make my legs look like sticks but this just looked unflattering…not how legs should look.

And don't even get me started on my arms…

"Did you try the first one on?" Angie asked me from outside the dressing room.

"Yeah but I don't like it…it's a pretty dress but not on me."

"Let me see it!"

I reluctantly opened the door and stepped out. Angie pursed her lips together and began tapping them with her French manicured finger.

"Eh. I don't really like it either. You look like a skeleton. Go try the next one." Angie replied critically.

I sighed as I went back inside. The next dress was black and purple. It was very form-fitting and the actual dress was light purple and had the same texture and style as the pink one did. The black part was a little, short sleeved, shrug that wrapped tightly around the purple dress.

It looked…okay.

"It's okay," I said letting my voice drift off.

"Come out."

I stepped outside the dressing room and Angie examined me once again.

"It's kind of pretty. You have a nice shape but not the curves the dress requires. Try the third one." Angie decided practically shoving me inside.

The last dress was navy blue and _perfect_. The top of the dress was baggy but the bottom was like a pencil skirt. It was shorter than the others but it didn't make me look fat or unflattering.

"I found the dress Angie!"

* * *

><p>Once I got home, I was physically and mentally exhausted. After buying the dress, Angie insisted we get shoes, make-up and sexy undergarments.<p>

I told her it wasn't prom but Angie wouldn't listen. I ended up getting black stiletto heels, half of "Cover Girl's" collection, and a hot pink thong and lace bra.

I made sure to keep the receipts to return everything tomorrow (except I'm pretty sure it's going to be tricky returning the underwear).

I dropped down on my bed and rubbed my head. It was aching from not having eaten anything since breakfast. I skipped lunch perfectly but when we got to the mall Angie wanted to buy me something to eat. I nearly gave in at the sight of a cinnamon-covered pretzel and strawberry ice cream but the sight of Ana, shaking her head at me, cleared my head of poison.

"_Oh no thanks, I ate way too much at lunch."_

"_You sure? Oh well you'll probably eat your heart's content at the party so I won't push you."_

"_Thanks." I murmured to myself._

I looked over at the clock. It was almost four o clock and the party didn't start until seven. I yawned and set the alarm for 6:25 and took a much needed nap.

**I know this is really late…and boring kind of…but I've been busy…**

**However now that it's summer break (it started two weeks ago-oops) I'll try and update quicker and make the chapter's more entertaining.**

**Although I don't usually ask for reviews, and usually make point not to, it would help to get a **_**little **_**information about anorexia and Ana. I thought I knew a lot about it but as I read more stories about it I've been reading about these night terror things. Can someone explain that to me?**


	4. Pretty Fat Liar

_I had a hole in my heart_

_So I threw away my plate_

_Because nothing filled me up_

_No matte what I ate_

_-Anonymous_

"Carly! Wake up! The party starts in five minutes!" Angie's shrill shriek yelled to me inside my room. I heard her leave a few seconds later.

I woke up with a jolt. _Five minutes_? I set my alarm to 6:25-

AM.

Of course I set my clock to 6:25 _AM._ I shook my head and quickly began changing. I checked my reflection in the mirror and tilted the head to my side. The heels gave me extra height that I really didn't need. I remember Gibby having his magical growth spurt, shooting him up next to me and if Angie planned on having us dance together, I couldn't wear the heels.

I decided to rebel and wear Sam's converses that she gave me a couple days ago and instead of wearing the stupid underwear, I wore my regular bra and panties. As I shuffled through my underwear drawer, my hand brushed against a paper-wrapped tube I hadn't used in about three months.

_a__**tampon**_.

I had stopped eating so much about six months ago, in December. I remember for the next three months, I had lost a nice fifteen pounds but gained it back bringing me back to 125 lbs. A month later, I had managed to lose six pounds and keep it off. Another month later I magically lost eight pounds. That was the month I realized I had skipped my period. The next month two pounds came back, but five pounds were lost. _(No period for Carly) _The next month I managed to lose a strong two pounds, between gaining and losing. Still no period.

I researched this abnormality and found out female anorexics tend to lose their period but when and how long tends to be different for all.

I had come to realizing that I had lost my period and didn't need tampons. Of course that's not what I told Sam or Angie when I got cranky from lack of nutrition.

I put on my make-up, fixed my bed hair and checked the time. 7:02. From what I heard downstairs, I was pretty sure I wasn't missing out on my own party.

I texted Sam, asking when she'd be here, and left my room only to find Angie waiting for me.

"Are you finally ready?" She hissed.

"Oh I forgot it was a surprise…"

"Just pretend we're talking about iCarly as we walk down the stairs. Tell me about your newest segment when I pinch you."

"Pinch me? I don't want to be-" I felt a sharp pain in my **tiny**enormous elbow as we started the down the stairs. "I think Gibby should sit in a tub of a hot sauce for the next iCarly, to prove that hot sauce is really hot. Kinda like how we proved ice was really cold-"

"SURPRISE!" Sam, Freddie, Gibby, and every other senior couple at Ridgeway High yelled in my face in a darkened living room only supported by burning candles.

I thanked the stars acting was my perfection. I put on my surprised mask and flew my hand to my chest. "Oh my God!"

"This party's for you, kiddo!" Spencer told me **banging**patting my back. "Have fun!"

Spencer was never really amazing at talking. It always came out kind of awkward. He pulled Angie- who was winking at me like she had an eye deformation- to the bedroom where I presumed they would watch Girly Cow and talk about art because really? Spencer was a little kid at heart and he_likeGibby_didn't understand that when the lights were low and music was really loud in the living room, you were supposed to be doing something naughty.

I walked down the stairs as everybody started talking and eating and met Seddie waiting for me.

"You texted me?" Sam asked showing me her phone.

"Oh yeah. The party wasn't really a surprise. Angie told me about it this morning when she told me we were going shopping for a new dress."

"So that's why you left school early?" Freddie asked.

I nodded and looked around. "I could have sworn when I came down stairs there was at least thirty people…but now it seems like ten."

Sam and Freddie looked around the room at the couples "There's more like..fifteen or sixteen people here. Small party." Sam commented as she shoved a cupcake(298) down her throat.

I did the best I could to keep myself from staring. All of these were from the store so they would _have to be_ high in calories and fat.

If I ate one cupcake, one cookie(260), one slice of pizza(280), one sip of Pepsi(8 fl. oz.=100), I would have to sneak out to the gym and run all night.

I tuned out of reality and into *_Fat*People*Land_ * as I watched Wendy lick her fingers after inhaling a chocolate brownie(115), Mike Reynolds scarf down three slices of lemon cake(765), Ally Stevens slurp a 12 fl. oz. can of Pepsi(150). I restrained myself from lunging at Tommy Edwards and his chocolate chip cookie.

I got on my spaceship and flew back to Sam and Freddie. Sam was eating another cupcake, this time with prettypink frosting and fairypurple sprinkles(459). Freddie was sipping a diet Pepsi(0).

"Aren't you guys going to do dance?" I asked them as I became suddenly aware of the awkward silence in a room of blaring Katy Perry.

"Dance?" Sam nearly choked on her cupcake. Freddie raised his eyebrow at me.

"Carly, I hate to break it to you but nobody's dancing…they're all just eating and sitting on the couch." Freddie pointed out.

"_They're all just eating and sitting on the couch. They're all just piling calories into their fat-studded future. Sooner or later, they'll burst of sprinkles and fairy dust and scatter all over the floor like the ketchup they had on their burger. But you won't be. You'll be the beautiful one stepping over them." Ana recited. _

I swear I could see her. She was looking better than me _as always_. Her bright eyes looked like the ocean in **my**her navy blue dress. Her wavy hair was curled in ringlets like**mine**always and she had **my**her pretty, blue flowered, lace headband on her princess hair. She stood next to Sam and played with Sam's curls that were neatly falling on her red, strapless dress. Sam didn't pay Ana any attention as she licked the frosting off her nails.

I turned away from Ana and looked at everybody who seemed to be staring into my bones.

"Who wants to dance?" I yelled over the noise, hoping to stir people off their ass.

"I do!" Mike Reynolds, Tommy Edwards and Ken Mitchell hopped out of their seats and away from the Barbie's standing next to them.

"I meant…with their girlfriend or boyfriend…" I said gently pushing them back to their girls.

The red on their cheeks, as they held their hands out, was not from the room temperature.

I turned back towards Sam and Freddie {Ana wasn't there anymore} and motioned them towards the other couples.

They exchanged a look.

"If we dance…you have to dance with _Gibby_." Sam translated.

"With who?" I yelled over the music.

"With GIBBY." Freddie helpfully cleared my eardrums.

"Oh…well he's dancing with Ally and Tommy." I noticed.

I also noticed that those three were the only people actually dancing. Everybody else was pressed against each other, _bones&against&bones_, hands** flying****GRABBING****holding****touching** each other, sweat washing away their s i n s from each other**.**

In simple words, they were grinding against each other in my living room and on my couch.

I turned away from a couple getting a little too turned on with each other.

"So go pull him away from them." Sam shrugged as if it were that easy and not awkward.

"I can't just do that!" I hissed to her. "He'd be all…Gibby…and awkward."

Sam frowned and realized my true words. Then her blue eyes glinted evilly and she released Freddie's **death clutch**hand and walked away.

I turned around and time seemed to go in slow motion. The guests seemed to split a p a r t as Sam pushed her way through them.

I must have stopped breathing when she tapped his shoulder. Gibby turned towards her and she whispered in his ear-

"My life is over."

"Your _single_ life is over."

"I think I'm dead."

"_Dead_ly in love."

"My heart stopped beating."

"Because it's in _Gibby's_ hands."

-and smirked at me and Freddie. Gibby shrugged and nodded and followed Sam back towards us.

I gave Freddie a death glare as he chuckled to himself and pretended not to notice Sam or Gibby.

"Hey FredMan, hi Carly. Want this cookie?" Gibby greeted us, thrusting a chocolate chip cookie in my face.

_Yes Gibby I __need__ that cookie._

"No thanks. I'm not hungry."

"You sure? You haven't eaten anything yet."

_Because it'll end my hunger and I'll have to do a million crunches._

"You've been watching me?"

"I've been by the food all night. I haven't seen you come by."

_I'm doing everything in my will power not to snatch that cookie from you or march over to Wendy and smack that brownie out of her hands._

"Oh well I ate at the mall-"

"When you were shopping for my science project?" Gibby smirked.

"Weren't you shopping to buy a dress-" Freddie _screamed over the obnoxious sound of Rihanna and her love of chains_ asked as Sam elbowed him sharply, understanding what the whole situation really meant.

"You wanna dance Gibby?" I asked him before the situation could possibly get any worse.

"Sure. But you have to eat this cookie."

And it got worse.

* * *

><p>"<em>You stupid, fat, weak, pus-filled whale<em>." Ana seethed behind Gibby, the words foaming out of her mouth. _"Don't you know better? Haven't I taught you __anything__?"_

My hands were intertwined behind Gibby's neck and his were around my **gigantic** waist. The steady lyrics of Aerosmith helped my feet stay planted to the floor instead of running to my bedroom and taking every laxative I had.

After Gibby **forced**gave me the cookie(260) my hand reached next to Sarah Crawford and shoved an oatmeal raisin cookie(120) and then a handful(3) of Hershey's Kisses(78).

I leaned my head on Gibby's shoulder as the music filled our ears. I closed my eyes to hopefully block out the sight of Ana but she really was everywhere.

I opened them to find my sight currently Gibby's hairy neck. Well it wasn't noticeably hairy…the little hairs that stuck up from his neck were light gold…like the color of Twinkies…

Oh God…do we have one here?

I closed my eyes again to hopefully distract myself but found that even the Twinkies were clouding my eyes. I opened them once more to find Gibby's hairy neck pulling away from me.

I pulled my head up and was about to open my mouth when I saw Jessie Kyle and Brad Puller, helplessly falling all over each other.

"Dude…" Brad slurred out, his breath reeking, "Where's the….where's the room?"

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. "You can't have _sex_ in my house! You can't be _drunk_ either!"

"The punch is AMAZING!" Jessie pumped her fists up in the air and nearly fell down on top of Brad.

"We don't have any punch!" I hissed. I turned around to where Brad was pointing and found seven other people laughing giddily at a bowl of red-liquid.

"Oh my God…" I pounded my fist to my forehead. "Gibby could you please take care of these two? I need to be right back."

I walked over to the idiotic boys and girls and swatted them away from the spiked punch. "Who brought this?"

They all started pointing at each other and then giggling. I rolled my eyes and took the bowl away from them. They started to protest and began to whine as I slid it down the drain.

"No more drunk couples! I don't want to be responsible for the positive on your pregnancy tests!" I glared at Wendy who seemed to be clawing at my arms.

I rubbed my head as I walked away from them. I looked for Gibby and was making my way over to him when the sweetsweetsweet smell of sugar curled around me and tied me to the counter.

As if in a daze, my hand reached over for a cupcake with sprinkles(470) and another and another. My hands had a party when they felt the familiar taste of a beloved Twinkie(150). My throat burned as I gulped down a Fanta(160). But I couldn't stop there- my hands scooped up the remains of a slice of lemon cake(250). As I nearly licked the plate of cherry pie, I stood up and regained myself. My stomach had started to feel queasy. I found the cooler and began digging for a water bottle when I felt another can of Fanta(160) and slurped it instead. My stomach wasn't feeling much better when I felt a bony finger tap my shoulder.

I put the Fanta down and looked up. Ana's blue eyes burned holes in my fat. She kicked the Fanta, the orange chemicals soaking the floor. I felt her nails rip my skin as her hands snaked around my wrists.

"_You __**fat**__ hopeless girl. I hope you drown in fat as you sleep tonight. I hope you cry and cry and cry until your room is filled with tears and wasted calories. I hope that your index finger shoves itself down your throat like you did with those cupcakes and spills everything you just ate. I hope you want to __**die**_."

Ana let go of me roughly and walked away, her body lost in the crowd. My legs felt weak and my eyes were beginning to sting but I held my mask together for my sanity. I was barely aware of the two pairs of footsteps walking my way.

"You okay, kid? You look like you saw a ghost…" Sam asked me, her soft, porcelain skin grazing my fat, bubbly arms.

"You look paler than normal, Carly. You want to sit down?- Well probably not here right now…" Freddie trailed off looking at a drunken Wendy and Sean Hasting.

"I'm fine." I lied. "Just tired, that's all."

"Well Gibby's waiting for you," Sam winked as she pointed to Gibby standing awkwardly in front of the blank TV.

She pushed me over towards Gibby and I nearly stumbled. I regained myself and continued my stride to him.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"I didn't think the party would get this out of hand."

"I didn't think anybody would bring a spiked fruit punch."

"I was kind of hoping though-"

"-that we could finish our dance?"

"Lead the way."

Our hands slipped back to their same positions. We were slow for the first minute of Tonight (I'm Fucking You) but then Gibby's hands ventured around me as mine moved up and down and up and down. His hands grasped my waist as I turned the other way and just danced(). My fingers swam in his hair and then clutched his to make sure he wouldn't let go. I let one hand run through my sweaty ringlets and turned around again and closed the distance between our lips. My stomach felt like it was going to explode again but this time a little girl with a dream of finding her prince charming at a royal and getting to wear sparkly dresses and high heels like a big girl could would pour out. Our tongues played a little game as they tasted each other. I was just closing my eyes when the song ended abruptly and the lights turned on all of a sudden. We s p l i t a p a r t faster than scissors running up paper to find a disgusted and horrified Spencer and an amused Angie.

"Yo dude," The drunk Brad Puller slurred. "What up with the crash?"

"The crash? Are you drunk? What the hell-" Spencer started to fume but Angie winced and pulled him close.

She whispered something in his earand his face softened. Spencer sighed and turned the music back on and the lights back off as he followed Angie back to the bedroom.

I sighed and turned back to face Gibby but he was gone.

I gulped down the bitter taste he left behind and turned again to face Ana with a cold but fake innocent expression.

"_Gibby felt your stomach pressed against him. He feared a baby was growing inside that fat tub on your poor bones."_ Ana chided pinching my fat.

A tear rolled down my cheeks and she harshly rubbed it away. _"Don't cry here, Carly dear. That'll just make him stay away. Kick everyone out. Cry to me."_

I looked at the time over by the kitchen clock. Somehow three hours had managed to run past us and mock us. It was already ten o clock but nobody seemed to want to leave.

I forced my way through the crowd and turned off the music and turned on the lights again. Everybody groaned and faced me.

"Dude! What up with the party kills?" Ally Stevens asked me, her voice full of irritation as her hands stopped dancing in Tommy Edwards hair.

"It's time for everyone to go. Right now." I said walking over to the door and pushing everybody out. "Bye. Hope you had fun. Don't kiss me. Don't give me that look, you're ugly anyways. Yeah love you too. Bye. Drive safe." I monotoned to various people as they reluctantly left.

I looked for Gibby but he must have left as soon as Spencer went back to the bedroom because everybody had left except Seddie.

"You okay?" Sam asked.

"Just peachy." I muttered closing the door.

"You don't look or sound okay." Freddie noted.

"You looked happy when you and Gibby were dancing," Sam tried to cheer me up.

"We were- or so I thought. He must be an amazing actor- but then he disappeared. I think he ran out." I said.

Sam rubbed my shoulder. "Gibby's all awkward. He's just…awkward."

"He'll come around. He'll just be Gibby about it though." Freddie added.

"Thanks. But I'm really tired. I want to get to sleep." I said.

"Well I better get home, my mom's probably spying on every guest leaving from our peephole." Freddie said kissing Sam goodbye. He patted my back as he opened the door and disappeared.

_when was the last time he got jealous over me? when was the last time he talked about being my future husband number two?_

"Want to stay the night?" I offered.

"I've got nowhere better to go." Sam said as we walked upstairs.

We did our usual thing as we got ready to sleep: talked about boys, exchanged pajamas, brushed each other's hair, washed off our make-up, jumped on the little trampoline by the foot of my bed, checked our SplashFace pages, talked about more boys and then slipped in the bed and fell asleep.

As soon as I heard Sam's comforting snore, I slipped out of bed and opened up my nightstand. I pulled out a box of **laxatives**medicine and retreated to the bathroom.

I popped a few in my mouth and let the waterworks happen. Ana shimmered next to me- still in her party costume- and wrapped her shoulder around me.

"_You don't need Gibby or Freddie to make you happy. They can't make you skinny, can they? All they do is make you fatfatfat. I'll be there for you. I'll make you happy and skinny. Can't you just obey me and be happy?"_

**I know it's a crappy ending but I needed to cut it off there for the next chapter. After reading Wintergirls- thanks for lovelovetoeasemymind for the suggestion! I had wanted to read it anyways, lol- I've come up with a ton of new ideas and more inspiration for this story. Ana's going to be like Cassie- if you've read the story- because when I read the book that's the immediate connection I made. It's a Cibby/Seddie if you haven't been able to tell, kind of one-sided Creddie. I didn't want to do pairings at the start but it just kind of…happened.**

**The next chapter will be up sooner. I have more motivation and too much energy right now;)**


	5. The Games We Play

_Anorexia can be fun_

_Especially if you're bulimic_

_Your outfit as a skeleton_

_Is all ready for each Halloween_

_-Mick Terry _

_Takes place during the American civil war._

**I will stay awake.**

_Main character: Henry Fleming._

**I am not hungry**.

_Flees from field of battle and is ashamed._

**I will not rip Mr. Howard's head off.**

_He is eighteen years old._

**I do not want to fall asleep**.

_He finds a decaying body in a peaceful clearing._

**I will not be-**

"Carly Shay!" Mr. Howard's shrill voice yells my name.

I jump and snap my head towards him. "I'm sorry, could you repeat the question sir?"

Mr. Howard groaned over-dramatically and rolled his eyes. "I didn't ask you a question, Shay. I _told you_ to stop reading your notes and to pay attention up front."

My cheeks felt hot **for once**as usual and I nodded my head. I saw Freddie smirking to himself next to me.

Unfortunately Sam wasn't in this class because she didn't have high enough grades for A.P English but in two days, none of us would have to care.

"Anyways as I was saying-" The lunch bell rang and everybody sprinted out of the muggy classroom. I was gathering up my stuff and heading out the door with Freddie when Mr. Howard called my name.

"You stay, Shay."

I looked over to Freddie and mouthed, _Don't wait for me_, and went up to Mr. Howard.

"I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention in class. I just want to be prepared for the test tomorrow on The Red Badge of Courage tomorrow, sir." I apologized.

"Oh I don't care about that. You left your paper from yesterday here." Mr. Howard said shoving the paper in my face and left the classroom.

I sighed to myself and left the classroom. I put all my stuff in my locker and went down to the crowded cafeteria.

After filling my tray of **delicious smelling totally enticing completely necessary**useless food I began leaving the cafeteria when someone else called my name.

"Hey Carly! Where are you going?" Wendy asked me as I _soclose_ passed by our table.

"_Mr. Howard gave you lunch detention." Ana hissed quickly._

"Mr. Howard gave me lunch detention because I wasn't paying attention in class." I lied just as quickly as Ana put the words in my mouth.

"On the second to last day of school?" Gibby asked me.

I bit my lip and swallowed down the empty strings of curses and insults and remarks I wanted to snap at him. "Yup."

"He loves torturing us. While you were zoned out we were listening to him ramble on about the importance of a child-free society." Freddie said as he bites into his hamburger(400).

"He gave our class a lecture on a wife-free society!" Wendy added.

"He gave _me_ a lecture on a _Gibby_-free society!" Gibby said.

I looked over at Sam, who had been strangely quiet this entire time, expecting her to make some snide comment. But her **know it all**innocent blue eyes sear into my plain old brown eyes.

I looked away from her quickly. I know _that look_. {She knows something she shouldn't know}

"Well before Howard gives me a double detention I better get going." I rushed off. Sam's gaze began to frighten me. As soon as I escaped the **dungeon**cafeteria, I flushed my lunch away in the girl's bathroom. I washed my hands and fixed my hair before leaving. I was halfway down the hall, getting ready to go upstairs to my locker, when I heard someone else behind me.

"Carly, wait!" Sam called out.

I cringed as I turned and faced her. "Oh hey there, Sam. I thought you were in the cafeteria."

"I know what you're doing."

_'tcan'tcan'tknow_

"Yeah…I'm going upstairs for my detention with Howard. He's such a butthead," I laughed nervously.

Sam gave me _that look_.

"Don't play dumb with me."

_helpmehelpmhelpmehelpme_

"What are you talking about?"

"You've stopped eating."

_..._

"No I haven't…you're hallucinating."

"Where's your lunch tray? You had it leaving the cafeteria."

_it'sinthegirl'sbathroomrottingaway_

"It's in my hands, duh."

"No it's not! I would see it."

"Don't you see it? Or are you really hallucinating?"

"Carly Shay-"

"I've got to go, Sam!" I said quickly before turning away. I began walking away and was able to breath for a moment when she didn't say anything. Until she said to words that stopped my heart.

"I'll tell."

"Tell what?" I asked her, turning back around again.

"I'll tell Spencer. And Freddie. And Angie."

"Tell _what_?"

"I'll tell them that you throw away your dinner. And you flush your lunch down the toilet."

I let my mask slide off. I let my walls fall down. I let my lies stop speaking.

"How do you know that?" I asked her inching towards her slowly.

"I saw you on Saturday. You didn't finish your spaghetti tacos. You let it fall into your lap and then scooped it up with a napkin when you thought nobody was looking. I saw you throw it away." Sam told me her voice calm and steady but her eyes stormy.

"How do you know I flush my lunch away?"

"Because I had suspicions. Back in January when Gibby was telling us a joke, I turned towards you to ask you a question but you weren't there. I realized you had left. I thought this was strange but you came back a few minutes later so I didn't worry about it. As time went on, I noticed it more and more. So one day I followed you. I stayed outside the door and I heard the toilet flush. I thought you threw up but your breath never smelled like it. I figured you flushed it down. That would explain why you lost weight."

_Shit._

_I'm._

_Screwed._

I looked at Sam, my eyes getting big. I pulled her into the janitor's closet next to us. "You have to promise me Sam, you _won't_ tell anyone. Not even Freddie. Nobody. Please, Sam. Don't tell."

Sam studied my face, my pathetic pleading face drowning into her delicate features. She was silent. Her lips were tightly shut. Her eyes gave away no emotions. She finally blinked after a minute and she sighed. She raised her index finger to me and wiggled it around.

"I'll keep your secret if you keep mine," She said her index finger dancing in the air.

I raised my eyebrows. "Your secret?"

Sam nodded. She didn't say anything as she pressed her ear to the janitor's closet. She grabbed my hand and pulled us both out of there and up the stairwell. She pulled me along, looking both ways every few seconds, and she stopped when we were finally alone at our lockers.

"I'm like you, Carly. I don't want to be fat. But, unlike you, food is my worst enemy. And my best friend. I can't stop eating, it's an addiction. So at night, when nobody's awake- not even you- I take my little friend here," Sam showed me her index finger again, "and shove it down my throat. All the fat and calories come up like they were never in my body."

I stared at Sam, unable to process what she was telling me.

_Sam…_

…_food…._

…_.gone…._

…_bulimic…._

…_..addiction…._

…_like me….._

"So that's why….you don't gain weight? That's why? But you couldn't have been doing this ever since I've known you. You'd be dead by now." I said.

"It's because I started two years ago. I wanted to go into high school, skinny and pretty like you. But my constant food intake made that impossible until I found myself in a strange position next to the toilet." Sam explained.

"Two years?" I asked in disbelief. "But….you…I never could tell…"

"And neither can Freddie, so let's keep it that way." Sam's once calm and friendly eyes turned stormy again. "If you tell my secret, I tell yours."

I didn't want to keep Sam's secret. I didn't want my best friend throwing up every night because she didn't feel beautiful. I didn't want my best friend **to die**.

But I was being hypocritical. I didn't eat. I threw away my food because I didn't feel beautiful. I could **die** too.

I could tell from Sam's face she didn't want to do this either. We both just wanted to say, _Stop! Don't throw up/throw away the food! You're perfect already! Please stop!, _but neither of us would crack first.

"I won't tell."

Sam smiled, obviously relieved, and was about to say something when Freddie called her name from down the hall.

"Sam?"

"I'll text you later," Sam said and gave me a quick smile. She then ran down the hall to her Freddie.

I opened my locker and started shuffling through it, out of boredom, when someone tapped me on my shoulder. I turned around, assuming Sam had come back to finish what she was saying earlier, and I nearly jumped out of skin.

Ana stood before me dressed in _(like always_) my clothes and her hair _(like always) _styled like mine.

"I thought you only came when I was being naughty?" I whispered so no teacher would come out and think I was having "visions".

"_Oh but you are being naughty, Carly. Telling Sam about your anorexia." _Ana told me crossing her arms. _"She will tell."_

"No she won't," I insisted. "Because then she knows I'll tell about her bulimia."

"_Sam knows you won't," _Ana rolled her eyes. _"Because you wouldn't do that to your friend. You wouldn't want to exploit the only thing that makes her happy. And besides she can always deny it."_

"Sam wouldn't do that to me." I argued. "She's my best friend."

Ana gave me an, "Are you serious?", look and began to laugh. _"Your best friend? You don't have any "best" friends, Carly! Sam and Freddie are currently making out in the janitor's closet and not thinking about you. Ever since they started dating, they've been ignoring you! Your just the friend who's house they go over to escape their own. Your just the friend they do the webshow with because the webshow is the only thing they can proudly admit they do. You have no best friends. You never did."_

Ana disappeared, letting her words float in the air, cloud around like smoke around my head…

_.me._

**I don't know why I had Sam be bulimic. I thought it would be an interesting touch to the story.**


	6. Oh The Places You'll Never Go

_The greasy fry, it cannot lie_

_The truth is written on your king-size thigh_

_-Anonymous_

"Hey Spencer!" I said as we came in through the door.

Spencer looked up from his recent sculpture. "Oh look, it's Sam, Freddie and Gibby here. In my living room. _What a surprise_."

"Nice to see you too," Sam said frowning.

"What are you working on?" Freddie asked dropping his bag on the floor and then laying down on the couch.

"I'm making Angie our 4 month anniversary present!" Spencer said happily as he began attaching hearts to a large A shape.

"What's so special about a 4 month anniversary?" Gibby asked the question we were all thinking.

"I don't know…Angie just said it was." Spencer hesitated then shrugged.

"Mhmm," Sam murmured clearly uninterested. "Well I'm going to empty out your refrigerator now."

At first it was just normal Sam behavior to me.

Sam comes in.

Sam eats food.

Sam lies down on coach.

Sam complains that she is hungry.

Sam eats more food.

Sam sleeps over.

Now I knew what h a p p e n e d when she disappeared from us for a w h i l e. I didn't want Sam to throwUP anything tonight.

"No!" I suddenly shout out, fear and concern laced in my voice.

Gibby, Freddie, and Spencer gave me **odd** looks while Sam's **cuts through my throat**. Her _i n n o c e n t _blue eyes dared me to say something.

_something/that/would/get/__**us**__/__**both**__/in/__**deepdeepdeep**__ trouble/_

"I remembered earlier that T-Bo told me yesterday that today he's going to start selling FatShakes(400)! And there's a super sale and I wanted to take my best friend for a treat," I lied ohsoeasily.

Gibby. Freddie, and Spencer "Oh"-ed and went back to what they were doing. Sam eyed me curiously as she followed me out the door.

Once we were safely in the elevator going downstairs, she broke the thick silence, full of lies, promises, hopes, and wishes that won't come true.

"Where are we going?"

"The park."

"The park?"

"Yup."

"Why?"

"Because you're not throwing anything up tonight."

"Carly-"

"If you don't throw up tonight, I'll eat something. Something small though." I pleaded.

Sam was quiet for a minute. "Let's go to the gym instead."

"They're _so_ not," I told Sam in disbelief as we entered the gym.

"They have to be! He claims he hates his wife, and she's his next option, so why not? After all, they do have _that look_-"

"Sam, Mr. Howard and Mrs. Briggs _are not _doing it!" I interrupted her, not wanting to hear what _that look_ looked like. "Besides if they were, which would be outright disgusting, they- Oh my God!"

"What?" Sam complained as I pulled her behind a elliptical, bumping both our heads in the process.

"Angie's here!" I hissed as I pointed to the f a m i l i a r brunette standing – or running- across the gym on a treadmill.

"So- oh…she'll ask us why we're here…then tell Spencer…then they'll find out," Sam realized.

"Should we just…leave?" I whispered. The person on the elliptical finally seemed to notice us as they slowed down.

"Don't stop!" Sam hissed at the person dangerously and they began running again. "Well yeah! If we don't want Angie to catch us we better get the hell out of here!"

Sam and I carefully stood up, checked to make sure Angie couldn't see us, and _sprinted/dashed/ran _out of the gym. We stopped and leaned back against the wall, next to the door to catch our breath.

"Call a cab?" Sam asked.

"We should probably walk, you know to get the exercise we were supposed to get. But then again-"

"Carly? Sam?"

Sam and I **screamed** at the top of our lungs. Once we finally calmed down, I looked over at Angie{woman who nearly made our hearts stop}. She was in clingy gray tank top and blue short shorts. Her hair was pulled back in a sweaty ponytail and her eyes were curious.

"What are you two doing here?" She asked.

"We were just taking a walk here from the Groovy Smoothies. Sam and I went to go try out their new FatShakes." I l.i.e.d quickly.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Sam raise her eyebrows slightly.

"Oh that's cool but why did you suddenly bolt out of the gym?" Angie asked.

"Because we saw a spider." Sam l.i.e.d as my mind went blank.

"You saw us? We didn't notice you were in there," I asked her.

"Oh yeah! I was just about to get some more water when I noticed you two sprinting out of the gym. So naturally I went to see if it was you and ask what were you doing here- oh yeah! What exactly were you doing here? I know you said you were taking a walk but why to the gym?" Angie realized.

I bit the inside of my lip as I racked my brain to come up with something. But _Sam_, being the _best_ liar, came up with something quicker.

"Because FatShakes give us way too much energy and we'd be up all night if we didn't run it off or something." Sam let the words slide off her tongue easily as if they were water dripping down a glass.

Angie accepted this with a mega-watt smile. "At least you're not trying to lose weight, or diet, or anything. I'm glad that you can both be happy with your bodies, it's really something nowadays with all the models in magazines being stick thin. It's really tragic but I'm proud of you two."

_if only she knew._

_if only she knew sam leaned down in front of the toilet and magically made her calories swirl around in the water. she stuck her little index finger down her throat and BAM! bye-bye .. bye-bye every regret and mistake. _

_if only she knew._

_if only she knew i lied about eating her macaroni&cheese last night and that i l.i.e.d and didn't eat lunch. i spent that time burning off breakfast calories (120). that ana comes to me in the middle of the night and helps me sleep. that my body will never be perfect. i will never be perfect unless i stop comforting myself with the enemy_.

_if/only/she/knew/the/irony/of/this/whole/fucking/situation/_

"Oh thank you." We both l.i.e, amazing actresses in Hollywood, our make-up our mask, our smile our script, our laugh our medicine, our _anorexia/bulimia _our _drug_.

"We could have gotten in a lot of trouble." Sam said.

After Angie went back into the gym we began walking back to Bushwell.

"We could have been screwed." I added rubbing my head and eyes.

"You okay?" Sam asked me once she noticed I stopped.

"Just a little dizzy. From the shock of it-"

"You don't have to lie anymore."

"I'm not _completely_ lying-"

"Just don't lie _to me_ at all. And I'll be completely honest with you."

I open my mouth to say something but time just stops. Meaning the world stops spinning. Everybody's frozen. I can't move my body, it's frozen in an ice cube trapped under the dark sea.

&hereshecomes.

Ana comes out, wearing the exact same thing as me – _surprisesurprise- _ but she looked better – _ohyoudon'tsay?_. I knew I was in trouble when I saw her green eyes swirling like a tornado. It was nevernevernever good news when her tiny fists were clenched pale.

"_Oh Carly. What have you done? Have you simply dropped everything and forgot about dear little me? Trusting Sam is a bad, bad, bad idea. I told you that."_

"I can trust Sam. She's my best friend."

"_Didn't we go over this? Damnit, you're such an idiot!" _Here her rage comes as she pushes the poor&frozen&clueless pedestrians on the street. _"Sam's not going to trust you forever! Something will happen, I swear, and you two are going to break! And once you do break, she'll tell. And you won't say a word because you're too damn loyal." _

"Nothing's going to happen, Ana! I know what I'm doing and you're just bitching about it! Why can't you leave me alone for one fucking day? I haven't eaten more than 400 hundred calories for the past four days and I've exercised it all off! What more do you want from me?"

Her eyes narrowed and her face tightened. _"I want perfection from you. Nothing less, everything more. I want you to shine above all others, perfect and skinny. I want you to obey me and follow me every command, it's not that hard. It's not hard at all. I don't want you to trust Sam. I don't want you to trust Freddie or Gibby or Spencer and especially not Angie. But I want you to wake-up right now so Sam can stop having a heart attack and get on the verge of calling 911."_

Ana snapped her fingers and suddenly my head started spinning faster&faster&faster. My vision was dark but I could make out Sam's voice. I shook my head a little and dizziness started to stop. I blinked a few times and Sam's worried face came into view.

"Carly? What-are you- oh my God…are you okay?" Sam asked shaking me a little.

"I'm fine…what happened?" I asked.

"You were about to say something but then you froze and blacked out or something. You scared me to death there, kid…" Sam's voice trailed off as she felt my forehead. "You need something to eat-"

"Sam!"

"-listen to me! You want to pull another dizzy trick, this time your audience being Freddie, Spencer and Gibby? You want them to actually call a doctor? Just eat a _French_ _fry_- those only have ten calories!" Sam snapped.

I shook my head but pulled her in the direction of Amazing Glaze, that religious donut shop. I pulled her inside but ignored all the sweetsweetsweet smells of donuts and cookies and fat. I picked up a water bottle and a turkey sandwich(194) and paid for it. We sat down at a table and I opened the plastic wrap of the sandwich.

"Carls? What are you-" Sam began to ask but I hushed her.

I took a plastic knife from behind me and started to cut the sandwich. I cut into two halves first(97), and then I cut those into halves(48.5), and then I cut those into halves(24.25). Once I finished I gave one eighth of the sandwich to Sam(24.25) and I ate one eighth myself(24.25). I scooped up the rest of the sandwich and threw it away.

Sam bit into her sandwich, her eyes never leaving my face. She watched me my sandwich until it was all gone.

"What?" I finally pipe up.

"It's just…weird." She sighed and drummed her fingers on the table.

"What's weird?"

"Everything. I'm dating Freddie Benson, the nerd of my life. Spencer actually has a serious girlfriend. Mr. Howard and Mrs. Briggs actually acting nice to us. You love Gibby-"

"I don't _love_ Gibby!"

"Oh hush it, I wasn't finished. Haven't you noticed everything's changing?" She asked me, her fingers playing a faster beat.

_yes i've noticed and i absolutely hate it. i want you to break up with freddie. i want him to want me like he did before everything changed. i want spencer to break up with angie and actually notice i don't eat my food anymore. i want gibby to run around everywhere without his shirt. i want you to eat without having me have to worry that you're going to throw up. i want to eat without feeling guilty and gaining five pounds. i want to stop feeling…_

_so…empty…_

"Not really. Everything feels the same." I lied, washing it down with a sip of water.

I want to stop lying. I really do. It's just natural instinct after six months. Someone asks me if I'm fine.

_Of course, why wouldn't I be? _[i'm not fine, you blind idiot.]

Someone asks me what did I eat.

_I had a chocolate chip cookie that was amazing! _[nothing. absolutely nothing.]

Someone asks me who I am.

_I'm Carly Shay, webshow host. I love shopping, the color pink, boys and my best friends! _[i don't know who i am anymore.]

**Bad ending? I thought it was okay…eh anyways if you haven't read Wintergirls yet, you have to. That story is **_**b e a u t i f u l**_**.**


	7. Don't Trust Me

_I eat too much to die_

_But not enough to stay alive_

_I'm sitting in the middle waiting_

_Starvation is control. Control is tough. Bones are beautiful when skinny just isn't enough._

I repeated my mantra in my head over&over&over again. My legs were exhausted. My body just wanted to shut down but I couldn't… yet. I had only burned 350 calories.

"_You can make it to 400 and everything you ate today will disappear," _Ana pushed me, standing behind the treadmill.

_{well she's not the one sweating like a pig}_

I checked my watch. _4:25_. I figured I had about another fifteen minutes before I needed to get back home and shower and play pretend.

Spencer and Angie were at an Art Convention in Tacoma so they had been gone almost all day.

I decided not to eat breakfast that day – just to see what would happen – and I haven't eaten lunch. My body was e x h a u s t e d and I could barely see anything.

But I was strong. I wouldn't give in to food. I would walk right past the kitchen when I get home and take a nice long, hot, bath. I would shut my emotion_less_, life_less_, meaning_less_ brown eyes but I would only sleep a couple hours before my body woke up me in pain of hunger.

_{at least I burned calories}_

"_Keep running. You're almost there, just 27 calories left to go_." Ana urged as the incline on the treadmill suddenly rose.

I took deepdeepdeep breaths againagainagain. I swallowed whatever moisture my **disgusting fly catcher**mouth had left inside. My head throbbed with pain-

_Fire was engulfing me, sucking all the air..out of the air. I couldn't breathe. I was a fish on dry sand, too far away from the water. My skin was burning. My eyes were rotting. My body was failing_.

But I still kept running.

* * *

><p>"Hey Carly." Sam said as she opened the door and plopped down on the couch next to me.<p>

She was Sam…but she looked nothing like Sam.

Sam had blue eyes.

_(Her gray eyes were rimmed with red)_

Sam had luscious blonde hair that Freddie loved playing with.

_(Her hair was a greasy mess of an ugly yellow)_

Sam had creamy porcelain skin that shined golden in the sunlight.

_(Her skin was pale, colorless and broken)_

Sam had a voice that was strong and powerful.

_(She sounded so broken…so lost…so gone)_

I knew she had just thrownUP.

"Hi Sam." I said, barely speaking above the thick silence that trapped us.

"Wanna go to the mall?" She asked staring at the TV.

"_You_ wanna go to the _mall_?" I nearly choked on invisible saliva.

"Freddie got a part-time job at the Pear Store."

_{i absolutely do not want to go see your boyfriend at the Pear Store}_

"I don't think that's a good idea," I said cautiously.

"You don't?"

"You don't look so good."

"I thought I was blunt."

"I'm serious Sam- you don't…you have to stop." I told her standingUP.

"Carly we talked about this!" Sam's gray eyes turned into a thunderstorm, threatening to tear down my {{**body**house}} as she stoodUP to face me.

"Sam your teeth are rotting! Your lucky you don't go to a dentist!"

"My teeth are just fine!"

"You're wearing a hoodie and sweatpants in summer!"

"What's your excuse?" Sam fired back, the flames burning my delicate skin. "You're shivering and the A.C isn't even on!"

"You're signs are beginning to show!" Our simple conversation had turned into a screaming match.

"_Good thing Angie and Spencer are gone…"_ Ana murmured stroking my hair.

"And like yours aren't?" Sam challenged. "You're paler than usual! You're clothes hang off of you like they're on a stick! You get crabbier every day and I know – even though you didn't think I did – your hair is dying."

"_Stupid, __fat__, snoop she is._" Ana spit at Sam, putting her hands on her hips.

"At least _I'm_ not dying!"

"Yet!"

"Hypocrite!"

Sam hesitated, the storm in her eyes slowing down. "I'm not arguing with you, Carly. Not anymore."

She got back up and slammed the door behind her – taking our secrets with her.

"Wait, Sam! Don't go!" I begged uselessly at the wooden door. I immediately felt dizzy as I tried to walk over to the door and sat back down. I checked my watch: 7:39. Angie and Spencer _have_ to be coming home soon and they can'tcan'tcan't see me cry.

I gathered up whatever energy I had left in me and headed up to the stairs. I gripped with the railing until my knuckles were _hot pink_ and guided my heaviness**truckload**_dumpster _up the stairs. I turned the corner, my hands tight on the wall, and made my way into my room.

Once I landed in the security of my bed, I let the dam burst open and the river flow onto the purple comforters. My cold body _s h o o k_ as I wrapped the covers around me.

_I'm not arguing with you, Carly. Not anymore._

…_.not….anymore…._

_Not arguing with you…_

…_Carly…not anymore…_

"_She left. She left you behind. Like everybody else is._" Ana said, climbing into the bed next to me.

I didn't feel comforted. When her ghostly hand rubbed the tears from my cheeks, I tensed up.

"She'll…she'll come back." I said hope_less_ly.

"_The same day her mother realizes she's dying_." Ana said care_less_ly.

My head shot up, the pain clouding my vision. "Sam's **not** dying." I spoke into the black world where only Ana was visible_ like a goddess._

"_She's dehydrated already, breaking apart into pieces. Her teeth are rotting. Her bones are cracking. Her body is crumbling. It's only a matter of time before her esophagus ruptures."_

I shook my head, which made my head feel **hot**. "Sam's not dying. She's not!"

A rainstorm appeared on my face as Ana rolled her eyes. _"Oh shut up, would you? You're practically-_"

My phone began to bring life into the soundless room. I leaned over and without checking the caller I.D- I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey Carly- it's me."

"Hi Freddie, what's up?" I asked curious to why he was calling.

_(it's been over two years since he's called just to talk)_

"Do you know what's wrong with Sam? I just came home and she was outside my door sleeping, I think. I checked her pulse which doesn't look so good, but once I finally managed to get her up, she told she was fine. She's asleep again in my room now but…" Freddie's voice trailed off and I imagined him pacing around the room and running his fingers through his hair. "She's been acting weird lately. Like…oh I don't know, I just know something's wrong with her. She isn't looking good either…please tell me you know what's wrong with Sam, Carly,"

I didn't speak. I let Freddie's voice drip into my ears and I closed my eyes, hoping that with the snap of my fingers everything would go back to when we were 13.

_Snap!_

We just started iCarly and were just laughing off on the internet.

_Snap!_

We hated Mrs. Brigg's and her awful bagpipes with a passion.

_Snap!_

Freddie and Gibby were unpubertized.

_Snap!_

We stuffed ourselves with Spaghetti Tacos and always hung out at the Groovy Smoothies.

I opened my eyes again but I was still 17. I was still a fat anorexic. Sam was still "sleeping" in Freddie's room, breaking each and every day. Gibby was still clueless (**he always was**), Freddie's still on the other line, waiting for me to lie for Sam.

_But I couldn't_.

Sam meant waywayway too much to Freddie. She had her whole life ahead of her and I couldn't be the one to end it all for her.

_But I hung up_.

I threw my phone across the room and hid under the covers, letting everything come out.

I ignored the insistent calls from Freddie and pretended I couldn't hear the knocking downstairs.

* * *

><p>The next day was <em>a w k w a r d<em>.

We had to do iCarly for the viewers but I bet even the viewers could _f e e l _that there wasn't the happy tension there usually is in the studio.

(_freddie's mad at carly because she won't tell him anything)_

_(sam's mad at carly because she told her the truth)_

_(carly's mad at sam and freddie because she has to keep so many secrets that she never wanted to keep in the first place)_

The only times we actually said anything to each other was on the webshow. Even _Gibby_ _The Clueless _noticed this.

We acted like we were happy but Sam and I were falling for once. For once, she couldn't pretend that she didn't want to speak to me. For once, I couldn't pretend that I wasn't holding her deadly secret and she was holding mine.

We ended the webshow early because it was clear we weren't in it.

_(we were somewhere else, where we could float above everybody else with the best webshow on the internet and everybody wanted to be__**at**__us)_

And everything was _a w k w a r d _again.

Sam sat down on a beanbag far away from me or Freddie. I sat on the car prop, pretending to be interested in my rotting nails. Freddie played with his tech-cart and computer, not looking at either one of us.

Poor Gibby hovered around in the center of the studio, looking at all of us curiously.

"What happened?" Gibby sliced the silence with his magnificent sword, like a mighty knight.

I dared to look up, only to have Sam and Freddie look down again.

Gibby might not be all in there, but even he could tell that I was the center of the awkwardness.

"Is it…_safe_…to ask why everybody's mad at Carly?"

{we need to get a filter for Gibby to put between his brain and mouth}

"I have to go feed Frothy-"

"My mom wants me home for dinner-"

"I need to clean my room-"

Sam, Freddie and I all said at once, standing up to head to the door.

We all stopped awkwardly – _surprisesurprise_ – once we realized we all wanted to head out the door. This made us all sit back down carefully.

Gibby scratched his head and went to the door and left the room. I thought he was leaving because he was Gibby – and Gibby's do things like that - but then I realized even Gibby's have evil plans. He found the key on top of the doorframe and **locked us all in the room**.

"Gibby!" We snapped.

"I'm not unlocking this door until you all make up!" Gibby protested.

Sam gave him a death glare. "Open the door, Gibson." She said, extra venom and danger in her voice.

Gibby looked terrified but he stood his ground. "No! I'm doing this for iCarly!"

_he could have meant __me__. __carly__ is a part of i__carly__. he could have been using a codeword._

"_Nobody loves you. Not even Gibby. Besides he's too Gibby-ish to understand __codewords__." _Ana was quick to bring me back down to** earth**reality.

"Come on, Gibby-" Freddie tried to say.

"No! I'm standing out here, with the door locked, until you guys make-up!"

"Why do you care if we make-up or not?" I asked the **wrong** question.

Sam and Freddie snapped their heads at me. "So you don't care if we make-up or not?" She assumed, _there was almost hurt in her strongstrongstrong voice_.

"I didn't say that! Besides _you're _mad at _me_!"

"Because you don't care if we make up or not!"

"You _so _know what I'm talking about!"

"Guys, stop-" Freddie tried to intervene.

"Shut up, Freddie!" We both snapped viciously before turning back to glare at each other.

"You're the one who was a hypocrite!" Sam treaded in very dangerous water, our bodies threatening to dump us in the place where we would never get out.

"Because I was right and you know it!" I said trying to pull us back to shore. _(but you were too dizzy and weak) _

"You weren't right about anything!"

"You know I was right about the-"

"You promised!"

"And so did you!"

"I didn't say anything, did I? No!"

"Neither did I!"

"You threatened to!"

"No I didn't!"

"Oh really?"

"I just said-"

"Stop that!"

"Stop yelling!" Freddie and Gibby shouted at the same time.

"Stay out of this!" Sam and I shot back with equal ammunition.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa what's going on?" Angie asked, her and Spencer popping up out of nowhere.

"Gibby locked us in here!" Sam whined before Gibby could think about opening his mouth.

"Because they need to make up!" Gibby defended himself.

"What happened?" Spencer asked.

"I don't know!" Gibby exclaimed.

Angie and Spencer turned to the Guilty Trio.

Freddie looked at the elevator, admiring it's pretty shine. Sam stared the floor, critiquing it's work. I turned back to my nails, thinking about what color to paint them next.

"What happened?" Angie asked us, this time.

Carly + Sam + Freddie = The Silent Musketeers.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see Angie and Spencer exchanging looks.

"You take the girls, I'll take the boys." Angie instructed Spencer as she took the key from Gibby and unlocked the door. She came inside and grabbed Freddie's wrist as she pulled him out, and pushed Spencer in. She locked the door once more and pulled the guys away from sight and down the stairs.

_(but you saw freddie and sam lock eyes before leaving)_

Sam and I shifted from foot to foot, refusing to say anything.

"So-"

"We're not little kids anymore." I interrupted.

"You don't have to make us say our problems." Sam added.

"You nearly traumatized Gibby and your voices could be heard from all over Bushwell Plaza. There's something wrong."

"We can handle it ourselves." I said.

"Clearly you can not." Spencer told me as he took my bony wrist in his large hand. "I'm going to speak to you both separately until I can find what's up."

Spencer took me behind the studio into our waiting room in the attic. He shut the little door and turned on the lights.

"So Carly-"

"You're not a therapist and this is stupid."

"Don't have an attitude-"

"I can have whatever I want when it involves me."

"Why are you being so-"

"It's that time of month."

Usually that shuts Spencer up _quickly _and he gets all fidgety and awkward. But this time, he saw _right through me like I was stain glass sitting on a window_.

"You told Angie it was your time of month _two_ weeks ago."

I frowned and widened my eyes. "She told you?"

"She was clearly upset by your behavior."

"Well I don't want to talk about it."

"You and Sam-"

"Are having problems right now and we need to fix them ourselves."

"You both have been acting weird-"

"No we haven't! There's nothing wrong with us!"

"I didn't say there was," Spencer said suspiciously.

"_Freddie thinks there is."_ Ana slipped the words in my mouth.

"Freddie claims there is."

"Well I'm not Freddie-"

"Clearly."

"Stop interrupting me!"

"Whatever."

"Carly Shay-"

"I'm done here." I told him leaving the room. I walked back into the studio and quickly to Sam.

"What did you say?" She whispered.

"Freddie thinks there's something wrong with us."

"Did you say it was your time-"

"He caught me. Don't say it is or else-"

"No talking about the therapy session!" Spencer scolded us quickly in his usual childlike voice when he does. He grabbed Sam's hand and pulled her back into the room.

She gave me a look before going in. I waited a moment before quietly rushing to the waiting room door and leaning my ear against it.

"So Sam-"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Stop interrupting me!"

"Okay!" I could hear Sam's hands go up in surrender.

"So Sam. Tell me why you are mad at Carly."

"I was never mad at Carly."

"So what happened?"

"Gibby overreacted. Freddie and I had a little argument last night and apparently he did with Carly-"

"What makes you think that?"

"Why else wouldn't they be speaking?"

"…Good point. Continue please."

"And so we just didn't want to talk today."

"But why were you and Carly screaming at each other?"

"How is this helping us make-up?" Sam challenged. "By telling you our problems? What are you going to do about them?"

"I can help you work them out."

"We're 17, Spencer. We can work them out by ourselves."

"Clearly you can't!"

"Just because we yelled at each other a little bit doesn't mean-"

"We could hear your conversation from downstairs with the TV on!"

"Then you were eavesdropping!"

_Go Sam!_ I whispered inside my head. Beside me, Ana rolled her eyes.

"Listen here-"

"I don't want to talk about this. Don't we have that amendment or whatever- Freedom of Speech?"

"That's usually to say whatever you want without getting in trouble."

"Well I don't want to talk about it." I heard Sam stand up and I quickly scurried back to the studio.

Sam came back a few seconds later and motioned for the elevator.

"You girls can't leave anyways!" Spencer claimed "victoriously" as he ran out of the waiting room.

Sam and I quickly jumped in the elevator. "Bye Spencer!" I waved as the elevator doors shut.

**I wasn't too happy with this chapter. But the next one will be a little more dramatic…in some ways…or the others.**


	8. I Can Be Normal

**Can someone say quick update? ;) Tomorrow I'll be leaving for Seattle – for 10 days – and my little cousin will be flying in from Chicago for 11 days. During those 21 days I won't be able to update so I wanted to update my two stories before I left.**

**Thanks for all of your reviews for the last chapters. I keep meaning to thank you in the chapter s but I keep rushing to post them and I forget to edit it them sometimes. From where I am now, it would take up so much space I know you don't really want to read so I promise in the end of the story – which might be coming soon! – I'll dedicate one chapter to all the reviews and questions. **

**I'm also changing the name of this story to Let's Play Pretend...I've only changed the name of this story so many times..:P**

**Fair enough?**

_Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills__  
><em>_'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up__  
><em>_I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold__  
><em>_Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love_

_-Paper Bag, Fiona Apple_

Sam and I sat down on my bed, playing with the threads of the comforter. We had gotten off the elevator and headed into my room once we escaped our therapy session with Spencer. Spencer had tried coming inside but Sam and I protested we were busy talking.

_(he finally realized you weren't opening the door after the 47__th__ knock)_

But we weren't talking. We were just sitting around on my bed – a w k w a r d l y – pretending that we were _finally_ normal girls.

H o w e v e r sometimes even _pretending _gets hard.

"So what do we do now?" I asked, breaking the silence. Sam always knew what to do. Sam always had an answer.

"Lie."

"I know that…but what do we say?"

"Lie and pretend that we're really sorry. We've just been under so much stress since the last day of school and becoming seniors. And iCarly. And we naturally took it out on them." Sam saved the day. "I need to talk to Freddie privately though. We'll shoo Angie and Spencer away and you can comfort Gibby-"

"I _don't_ like Gibby!"

"I didn't say you did." Sam said giving me _that look_.

I hesitated. "Do you really think they'll buy it?" I asked cautiously.

* * *

><p>"Only if we sell it." Sam winked at me.<p>

"And….it's done!" I announced happily as I finished mixing the dough.

Sam looked over at my work and studied it. "Hmm. Something doesn't look right."

I looked back in the bowl. The batter looked brown and disgusting. The batter on the cookie dough package looked light brown and delicious. "Maybe if we put it in the oven and bake it it'll look better."

Sam shrugged and put the ingredients list down and we began to shape the cookies. We made Gingerbread families and a Sam and Carly. We ignored the warnings that said we should have an adult supervision helping us – after all, we figured since we were 10 we were old enough to use a simple oven by ourselves. Sam opened the oven and I quickly slid the pan filled with pretty people inside the hot cave.

I sent them to their death.

We were supposed to wait 10 minutes for the cookies to be done. Sam and I got bored after a couple minutes and began cleaning up the kitchen. Once the kitchen looked less like a tornado of cookie batter had hit it, we began to draw our sign. We had planned to take the cookies down to the lobby and sell them for extra money.

The kitchen timer dinged and Sam and I hurried to the oven. She put on her oven mitts and I opened the oven door so she could take the cookies out of the oven. We both frowned when we saw the cookies.

"Are they supposed to look…ugly?" I asked staring at the ugly cookies.

"They're burnt." Sam explained.

"Do you think they taste good?"

"They just need some frosting." Sam shook it off, taking out the frosting. We frosted the Gingerbread families with pink jackets and white snowshoes. Sam frosted her hair yellow and gave her a green shirt and red jeans. I frosted my hair brown and gave myself a white dress.

We stepped back and examined our work. They didn't look so burnt…

"Do you really think they'll buy it?" I asked cautiously, picking up the Carly.

"Only if we sell it."

* * *

><p>"Ready to sell some cookies?" I asked Sam as we carefully opened the door and snuck outside. We tip-toed to the top of the stairs and crouched down for a minute, hoping to hear some of the conversation.<p>

"Maybe we should try again. Try talking to them again." Freddie suggested.

I could practically hear Angie and Spencer shaking their heads. "Something's up with them and they're not going to tell us if we force them." Angie sighed.

_{we weren't going to tell your **tabloids**mouth anyways}_

Sam nudged me and I took my cue to go downstairs. I was determined to put on my best show, considering my audience was already wary of my performance.

"Hi…guys," I said, my voice shaking.

_{thank the stars i can act}_

"Hi Carly-" Spencer started to say.

"We'll be back." Sam announced looking at me, before taking Freddie's hand and pulling him out of the apartment.

I remembered the script and gave Angie and Spencer a look.

They looked reluctant but they finally left – giving me and Gibby _o u r s p a c e_.

"I'm sorry-" I started to say my lines before Gibby ripped up the script and rewrote it.

"Don't apologize Carly…I should. I didn't mean to leave so quickly at your party…I was just nervous, you know?" Gibby apologized.

_stop it – don't say it. don't apologize or you'll ruin the entire play. stop it, stop it – don't say it-_

"I'm really sorry."

_and you said it. you're ruining everything, can't you see that?_

"Don't apologize Gibby, really-"

"No I need to!" Gibby cut me off, beginning to pace around. "It wasn't fair for you for me to just walk up and leave. I got a little scared…I thought maybe for a second…"

_i am a normal girl. i eat pizza when i go out to the movies with my friends. i am a normal girl._

"That I might…"

_i am a normal girl. gibby might like me. i might like gibby. we are a normal couple._

"God why can't I say it?"

_normal. i don't talk to people who aren't really there and they hurt me. i have a normal family. i have a mom and a dad and a normal brother._

"It's okay Gibby!" I interrupted him softly. "I think I might like you too."

He looked up at me in surprise and widened his eyes. I began to laugh at his expression and my stomach felt strange. It was the first time I had laughed _forreal _in almost two weeks and I had forgotten what it'd felt like. Gibby began to laugh along with me after the shock wore o f f.

For this moment – I didn't have to pretend. I could just be Carly and Carly could be me. I was a _normal _girl.

* * *

><p>Seddie came back soon after. Freddie's eyes were light mocha – like my <strong>favorite<strong>digusting coffee – and Sam's eyes were shining _notglassybutshining._

_{you hoped she wasn't acting}_

Gibby and I – _not Cibby, just Carly and Gibby _– were sitting on the couch watching Girly Cow when they came in.

_{you saw sam raise her eyebrow when she saw you and Gibby sitting a littletooclose for friends}_

There ended up being enough space for Seddie to sit down next to us. Sam sat down next to me and nudged my side inconspicuously. _(it was like rubbing bricks to bones)_

"Cibby?"She whispered in my ear.

I softly shook my head **no**.

"Seddie the hottest couple in town again?" I whispered in hers.

"He bought every word." Sam mouthed.

Water froze into ice around my heart and the oxygen in the room suddenly left the air.

_she l i e d to him. she l i e d to him._

I couldn't do this. I couldn't watch Sam _love_ Freddie but hide her whole world from him. I couldn't watch Freddie _love_ Sam and know something was wrong.

I had to tell. I had to **tell.**

So I excused myself and told Freddie in three little lines on the side of my hip – _pleasehelpsam_

* * *

><p>"Oh look! You all made up!" Spencer smiled at us once he and Angie came out of the room.<p>

Freddie and I didn't need to talk. Just the way he s m i l e d at Sam told me everything was o k a y.

"Oh we haven't used the Cheesecake Warehouse coupon yet – let's use it tonight!" Angie suggested.

_oh shit._

_Ana please help me-_

"_Not this time,_" Ana smirked going up to Angie in slow motion and whispering in her ear. _"I told you to listen to me and look at where you are now."_

"Thanks for giving it to us, Carly." Angie said s m i l i n g at me.

_oh shit._

"You gave them a coupon to the Cheesecake Warehouse?" Freddie asked.

_why won't my mouth work?_

"No I gave it to her for getting all A's but she went out with you guys instead." Spencer choked me, his nails digging into my skin and branding me.

"We did-" Freddie tried to join in on the fun and choke me too.

_But Sam __always__ has the answer_.

"Oh yeah…speaking of the Cheesecake Warehouse – we got banned from there." Sam interrupted him, sneaking her fingers up his thigh, playing a drum beat for only them to hear.

Freddie stared at Sam's hand but didn't say anything.

"Why?" Spencer released his hands from me.

We all turned to the culprit.

"I danced on the table." Gibby muttered staring at his hands.

Angie and Spencer sighed. "Wanna go to-"

"Today's Saturday." Freddie reminded Spencer.

"I know that…"

"Me and Fredjuice always go out Saturday night." Sam's fingers moved up to Freddie's fingers.

_she winked at me when no one was looking._

"Well how about you two?" Angie asked Gibby and me.

"We're going on a double date." I accidentally knocked over the glass of lies and spilled them out.

"We are?" Gibby and Freddie asked in unison.

"You are?" Spencer and Angie added in their extra measure.

"We were just about to tell you." Sam helped sell the lies.

"Okay then we'll just use it tonight," Angie decided after a little silence. She picked up her coat and dragged Spencer out the door. "You kids have fun!"

"Don't have too much fun!" Spencer tried to give the talk before Angie shut the door.

"We're going on a double date?" Gibby asked before the silence could trap us.

"After Sam and I go grab some tissues." Freddie told Gibby before pulling Sam out the door into the land where nobody should lie.

Which left Gibster and me.

"When did you plan to go on a double date?" Gibby asked me.

"When Sam and I were upstairs."

"But we weren't…close friends then."

_{where do they sell muzzles?}_

"Well it wasn't going to be an actual date, per se…more like two friends hanging out with Seddie."

_why is my vision getting cloudier?_

_you're just really tired._

"Can I ask you a serious question?"

_why is my stomach feeling like it's being pulled apart?_

_cause gibby might ask you a __serious __question?_

"Shoot."

"How much do you weigh?"

"_Lie for the cameras, Carly,_" Ana instructed me holding an invisible camera behind Gibby.

_90.1 lbs_.

"I don't know, why?"

"You don't look so good-"

"Gee, thanks."

"All the iCarly fans are saying so, the comments." Gibby explained. "They're commenting on your appearance and your weight. Sam's too…"

_stupid internet and stupid fans._

"We're fine." I lied as if I didn't feel horrible at the moment.

_i ate an apple today (75). i mashed up pieces of cheerios today. (50) i drank lots of water (0). i ate some grapes (45) and immediately felt guilty. i ran off 200 calories._

Sam and Freddie came back in as I stood up. No traces of their conversation were on their faces.

"Ready to go?" Freddie asked flipping his car keys in his hands.

"Let's go!" Gibby exclaimed as Freddie opened the door and lead us out. Sam trailed behind as I locked the door.

"The iCarly fans are talking." I whispered.

"I know. And they're sending messages to Freddie." Sam whispered back.

* * *

><p>Freddie pulled up in the parking lot of that new diner downtown -<p>

_sam loves diners. she loves pretending we're back in the 90's whenever we come._

- and turned off the radio which broke our silence.

We unbuckled our seatbelts and headed inside.

I pressed my **painful**gentle reminders and promised up and down to practice my tricks.

The waitress got us a booth and Freddie The Evil took the seat next to Sam.

_i wish you were blind gibby._

I ordered water (0) and Sam ordered a chocolate milkshake (316)

I ordered a salad (90) and Sam ordered a cheeseburger (350) with cheese fries (290).

I put my purse in my lap and crossed my legs into butterflies. I opened it's mouth and let croutons fall into the pit. I slowly chewed on some lettuce (20) and let the rest fall in when everybody was talking, their food falling into the commas and exclamation points.

I began to laugh when I allowed myself to enter their conversation. I let myself smile and I felt my walls coming down. I was tempted to do take Gibby's fries and sip some of Freddie's Pepsi and scarf down all of Sam's hamburger but I pressed my fingers to my new artwork and I quickly recoiled my barely outreached hand.

Gibby had just made a joke – that honestly made no sense but was stupidly hilarious – when Sam nudged Freddie.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom." I heard her murmur in his ear.

Like a puppy, he stood up and let Sam out of the booth and into the dungeon.

Gibby finished his joke and Freddie and I laughed. For a moment I forgot that my best friend was telling the toilet a dark secret. For a moment, I forgot we even _had secrets._

**Not my best…I feel like too many plotlines or whatever were rushed into this chapter. I also wanted to get some of the side effects or whatever of Carly's anorexia in. I think I might be finishing this up in the next five or less chapters. The ending's going to be a little different than most Carly/anorexia stories but I think if you're a Carly fan, you'll enjoy it :)**


	9. As We Slowly Fade Away

**Before I start the chapter – I want to thank you for all your reviews :) They make me happy and I will be dedicating a chapter to thank you.**

_I'm not starving myself_

_I'm perfecting my emptiness_

_-Anonymous Quotes_

* * *

><p>I sat on the couch, watching the silent T.V, listening to Sam and Freddie outside my door.<p>

It was clear they were arguing but their _hushhushhush _voices made it hard to hear exactly what they were saying.

I played with my fingers and s i g h e d. I stood up and pressed my ear to the door.

_my head __**hurts**_

"I _heard_ you!" Freddie hissed to Sam, his voice full of _anger::hurt::pain_.

_my words don't __**work**_

"It was-"

_my stomach __**aches **_

"-Not my mom! She didn't _try and poison_ you, Sam." Freddie interrupted Sam. _{you could practically see him running his hands through his hair}_

_my body __**shakes**_

"What are you trying to say?" Sam challenged.

_[freddie knew not to challenge sam]_

He s i g h s. "Why are you keeping secrets from me?"

* * *

><p>I ignored Sam's comment about the gigantic pants in the middle of your living room and began to say what I <em>really <em>meant shakily.

"Listen….we're best friends right?" I don't even need to listen to her to know she was going to say –

"Of course."

"And best friends don't keep secrets from each other, do they?" I kept beating around the bush.

Her face contorts into mixed expressions and she began to get excited. "Why? What'd you do? Is it bad? Did you finally do something bad? Holy crab, I love this!"

Somewhere in the middle of her fantasy, she pulled me to the couch and began to rock my shoulders .

"I didn't do anything bad!" I explained frustrated.

"Then why are you keeping it a secret?" Sam asked frustrated too but practically exploding excitement.

I stood up, even more frustrated, and explained. "I'm not the one keeping secrets!"

A guilty look crossed over her face as she paused. She stood up and s i g h e d. "Alright, you can have your twenty bucks back." She pulled the money out of her **black hole**pants pocket and thrusts it into my face.

I frowned and crossed my arms over my budding chest. "What 20 bucks?"

"That I took out of your purse."

Shocked, I lean down over to the table and start shuffling through my purse. "Sam!"

"Well, at least it's not a secret anymore!"

"That's not the secret I was talking about!" I exclaim even _more_ frustrated.

"So I can keep the $20?" Sam asked excitedly.

"No!" I nearly yelled snatching the money away from her and putting it back in my wallet. I set the wallet down and turned away from her. When I faced her again she shrugged at me, waiting for my answer.

"Why didn't you tell me you kissed Freddie?" I blurt out, _anger::hurt::pain_ in my voice.

Sam stood speechless and shocked. "Uh…" was the only thing able to come out of her mouth.

Freddie chooses that exact moment to open the door and come through. "Hey, can I run upstairs for a sec and install these ca-"

Freddie and Sam locked eyes and danger swam through Sam's ocean eyes and floated over to Freddie's.

"You spoke of it…" Sam hissed murderously.

Freddie didn't waste one single second to throw the cables up in the air and scream. Sam chased him out the door and disappeared from sight for a couple seconds. I heard Freddie's protests and Sam's anger mingle and intertwine as they came back into view, Freddie kicking and screaming over Sam's tiny shoulder.

Sam thrusts Freddie onto the couch and runs to the door and locked it.

"You swore we'd never tell anyone we kissed!" Sam's voice has hurt _anger::hurt::pain_ in it now.

_it's almost like she wanted it to __stay__ just between seddie._

"I didn't!" Freddie promises.

I finally break in and jump behind Sam. "You told me!"

"I never told you anything-"

"Yes you did!" I paused before adding in, "when you were all hopped up on wacky gas."

Freddie stands up behind Sam and shifts his shirt as they stare at me guiltily and surprised.

"Oh…" Sam finally says.

"You know…I tell you guys everything-"

* * *

><p>I cut the memory short, not wanting to remember the fact that I'm a complete <em>hypocrite.<em>

I stood up _quietlyasamouse_ on my tiptoes and looked out the peephole. Sam was leaning back against the wall next to the door and Freddiestood before her, his hands on his hips.

"Freddie-"

"I _can't_ let you do this to yourself-"

"Do _what_-"

"Don't pretend you don't know-"

"I clearly-"

"Won't stop lying-"

"I'm not-"

"Lying? Yeah I know. You're _pretending_."

_I found it cute how they refused to let each other finish their sentences._

Sam sighed and turned away from Freddie.

Freddie sighed and turned away from Sam.

_I found it cute how they refused to say #iloveyou_

My calves began to throb violently as I kept standing on my tippy-toes.

**[i am 400 calories. i am 400 calories too big. i am 400 calories too small]**

Freddie, being Freddie, clearly gave in first.

"Sam-"

"I know what you're going to say. And it's not like that."

"I heard you _throwing up_. What do you mean it's not like that?"

_he heard her throw up?_

_and she didn't tell me?_

_what's she going to do?_

"I ate too much-"

"You _always_ eat too much and you never throw up!"

"Well maybe my stomach's tired of all the constant eating!" Sam _rescued herself from the murky waters of __**recovery**__death. _"Maybe I need to eat less."

Freddie gave her his famous – "Don't give me that crap" – look. "You've lost a lot of weight."

"No I haven't. I still weigh the same as I always have."

I noticed as Sam talked Freddie inched _closerclosercloser _to her. Once she finished talking, their foreheads were practically three inches apart and Freddie's arms had wrapped around her **damaged**perfect waist.

"Freddie what-"

"I love you. I know you don't…but I love you and _all_ of you."

* * *

><p>"Hello?"<p>

"Gibby?" I asked nervously into the phone.

I decided I couldn't handle watching _The Seddie Show_ anymore and I hurried upstairs to my room. I shuffled through it looking for my cell phone and began dialing Gibby's number.

"Hey Carly! What's-"

"I'm ready."

* * *

><p>"<em>It's okay Gibby! I think I might like you too."<em>

Gibby looked at me with a shocked expression on his face. "…what?"

"I think I might like you too."

"How did you know I was going to say that? Are you psychic?"

I laughed lightly. "No Gibs, I'm not. I'm just a girl and girls tend to know these things."

"So girls can tell things from the future?"

"No-"

"Raven could."

"…that was a _Disney_ television show. Of course she could."

"But how did you-"

"Because girls know when guys like them. Guys are so obvious about their feelings."

"We are?" Gibby shook his head. "This a tragedy."

We laughed a little _ a w k w a r d l y _before silence wrapped us in hot, itchy blankets.

"What do we now?" Gibby asked once my fingernails were completely clear of hot pink nail polish.

"_You're going to need to repaint those tonight." _Ana tsk-tsked, drumming her perfect pink fingernails on her perfect skinny arm.

I realized I had nothing to say. I had been secretly hoping he wouldn't' ask that question because _honestly? _I wasn't _ready _for a relationship…not right now.

"We could spy on Seddie." I suggested hopefully.

Gibby frowned. "I meant…about _us_. What do the fans call us? Cibby?"

"_Two fat cows. What a __perfect__ relationship." _Ana smirked. Her brunette hair was up in a ponytail and she swished it around as she walked between us.

I tried to think of something to say but my brain refused to work these days.

_{your fuel is running out…little by little…and soon all the lights will be out and you'll be stuck in the dark}_

"_Do I have to think of __everything__?" _Ana groaned. _"God Carly, you're so lame. Anyways, just tell him you're not looking for a relationship right now. You just want to have some fun."_

"I don't know about you, Gibs…but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. It's the beginning of summer and I just want to have fun…"

Gibby looked disappointed but not completely _destroyed_ (like you). "It's okay. Whenever your ready, for a relationship, I'll be too. Let's be friends for now. Good friends."

* * *

><p>"That was…quick." Gibby said. "I thought you-"<p>

"Wanted to have fun?" I said quickly. "Yeah…I do. But I wanna have fun _with you_."

Gibby was silent. "So like…boyfriend/girlfriend fun?"

"Yeah..like dates and movies and holding hands and that kind of fun."

"_Why don't you just tell him you're jealous of Seddie?" _Ana asked me, examining my new dark purple fingernails.

I hushed her when Gibby began to respond. "Okay, that sounds…fun."

We both laughed into the phone and said our good-byes.

"_I can't wait to see the baby cow."_ Ana sneered at me, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Why are you always so mean to me?" I stood up off the bed. "I do _everything_ you say and yet you treat me like dirt!"

Ana stared at me, the flicker of green in her eyes sparkling with curiosity. _"Your point?"_

"My _point_ is that you don't act like a friend even though you constantly tell me that you're my only friend!"

"_Who do you think you are, Carly?" _Ana asked me, standing up slowly. _"You think just because you finally have someone fatter than you to make you feel better, you're suddenly the shit? Well let me tell you something Carly-"_

"Carly?" Sam knocked on my door, coming in.

_thanks for rescuing me_

"Hey Sam," I said quickly sitting back down on my bed. "What's up? How did things go with Freddie?"

"They're…better now," Sam hesitated, deciding which cards to deal out first. "He heard me throwing up last night and I tried to blame it on his mom, poisoning me, but he wasn't hearing it. I managed to get him to believe it was truly something I ate and after awhile he stopped trying to convince me I'm throwing up on purpose."

"But you are…"

"_I_ know that. _He_ doesn't."

"I'm dating Gibby."

"I knew you were going to."

"He doesn't want to believe it."

"Freddie thinks I need help."

"I think we both do."

My last sentence surprised Sam _& me_.

"..What?"

"I think we both do." I said s..l…o…w…l..y.

Sam stared at me, her face unreadable.

_[her face is always unreadable]_

"Freddie and I are going out tonight – to that new club downtown. The Groove or something like that. Call Gibby and tell him to get here at nine and we'll leave." Sam kept directing the play as if I hadn't said the wrong line.

_and i pretended to play along_.

"What's The Groove?"

"A new club."

"I know _that_. But what do we, like, wear?"

"Black dresses."

I stood up **quickly** and immediately my head was on **fire**. As my vision pulled itself together, I carefully walked over to my closet and shuffled through all the dresses I owned. I skipped past the one Angie bought me and pulled out the three black dresses I owned.

_why do they look so __**big**__?_

"Let's go shopping." Sam decided after she scanned the dresses.

I couldn't blame her. I've had these dresses since ninth grade – they practically screamed _"I'm prude!"_

"I'll get Angie's credit card."

* * *

><p>"It seriously <em>still<em> doesn't fit?" Sam asked in disbelief when I came out of the dressing room.

_(you swore you head a small::tiny::little amount of __**jealousy**__ in her voice)_

"It's too loose." I tried to hide the pride in my voice as I pulled the fabric away from my body.

"It's the smallest size they have," Sam's eyes burned fire onto the dress. "Who knows, Cupcake, maybe you'll have to shop in the _Girls_ section."

_cupcake…_

_cup…cake…_

**but carly can't have a cupcake**

"I don't want to shop in the _Girls _section." I said stubbornly going back into the dressing room.

"Then you should eat a cupcake."

_carly can't eat a cupcake because carly weighs 89 pounds of __**lonely and broken-heartedness**__determination and strength. if carly eats so-called cupcake(430), carly will be temped to eat another cupcake (430), then she will want some milk to wash it down (100) and then carly will be fat again_.

"I'm going to get it." I decided, ignoring Sam's comment.

"Even though it's too big?"

"Yours is too." I said pulling off the dress.

_(mommy, mommy, i can see my ribs! every single one of them!)_

"You know I can barely fit my fat ass into mine."

_(mommy, mommy, my hipbones jut out perfectly!)_

"I told you to get the black one with the white bow around the waist. It gives out an optical illusion."

_(mommy, mommy - ….why is my skin so cold?)_

"Meh. I hate bows."

I slipped on my tee-shirt and sweatpants and left the dressing room of **horror**perfection. I looked over Sam's dress.

"I think it looks pretty on you."

"I think it makes me look like I swallowed whales for breakfast, horses for lunch and topped it off with a cow for dinner."

"I think you're overreacting."

"I think all this thinking is giving me a headache." Sam muttered as we walked up to the cashier. "You sure Angie doesn't mind us using her credit card?"

_truthfully_…I didn't ask.

"Of course she doesn't." I lied. "She'd do anything to make me like her."

_when spencer caught you with her credit card, he yelledyelledyelled. _

* * *

><p><em>the last time<em> Sam and I went out to a club was with Freddie for his 17th birthday. His mom had planned some lame mother-son knitting activity so we rescued him from her wrath and took him out to the popular Under 21.

Sam _secret_ly liked Freddie and Freddie _secret_ly liked Sam but they wouldn't tell each other – only me.

Sam wore her favorite little red dress and got a little tipsy on the dance floor. _(the bartenders liked blondes under 21) _Freddie and I watched from the table we had reserved in awe at the way she swung her hips gracefully and her smile illuminated the room.

I nudged him. "Go dance with her."

Freddie gave me a look of disbelief. "I know you're kidding me."

"You like her. She's…somewhat sober…go dance with her." I said, turning back to our slightly out there friend.

Freddie kept the look on his face. "We both know she's practically drunk – it'd be taking advantage of her."

I rolled my eyes. "It's not liking your going to take her to the couch and do it right then and there – you're only _dancing_. Maybe she'll get so caught up in the moment, she might grind with you."

Freddie scoffed. "Yeah, she's not _that_ drunk."

"Come on, Freddie – what's the worst thing that could happen? She punches and humiliates you right in front of everybody? She's done worse." I tried to convince him, sipping some of my non-alcoholic beverage.

"That doesn't mean I don't want to humiliate myself in front of _her_." Freddie's voice rose an octave.

"Come on Freddie! It's your birthday – you're _supposed_ to have _fun_." I said, drinking more of my iced tea.

"I am having fun."

"No you're not. You'd rather be with Sam than me – and _don't _deny it."

"I wasn't." Freddie winked. "I'm only kidding. But if I go up and dance with Sam, you have to go up there too. And dance with somebody or something. If I can't stay here and pretend to wash away all my fears with this stupid iced tea, then neither can you."

"Fine." I "groaned" getting up with Freddie. "Go!"

I pushed him over to the dance floor, where I immediately lost sight of him in the wild crowd. I spent the rest of the night, dancing in between sweaty girls and boys, and catching some sights of Sam and Freddie.

Later that night, he gathered the balls to _kiss her_.

And she gathered her guts to _kiss him back._

The next day they were officially Seddie.

_(you almost wish you didn't convince Freddie to dance with her)_

* * *

><p>Around 10:00, Freddie pulled into the driveway of The Groove and we headed inside. This time it wasn't an Under 21 club, so we needed I.D's – but they were fake. <em>[obviously]<em>

Sam immediately pulled Freddie away to the dance floor, where like six months ago, I lost them for the night.

_[at least this time I won't be lonely]_

Gibby and I walked over to a table and read over a drinks menu.

"All of these are non-alcoholic." I commented as my eyes scanned the menu.

"That's because the alcohol ones are on here." Gibby traded menus with me.

"Vodka sounds _really_ nice right now."

"We should probably order some for Sam and Freddie."

I really was only thinking about me at the moment and I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what a _drunk_ Gibby was like.

"Have you ever gotten drunk before?"

"There are a few nights that are blurry." Gibby said nonchalantly.

I raised my eyebrows. "Do you think you were…_crazy _drunk?"

"I don't remember. But I'm not planning on getting anything. _Someone_ has to play Designated Driver."

I laughed a little bit before calling a waiter over. "Three Cherry Vodka's."

"Have you ever gotten drunk before?" Gibby asked once the waiter left.

"Tipsy..not drunk." I replied.

"I like your dress."

"I like your randomness." I replied giggling to myself.

"But seriously…it's all serious and black looking," Gibby began to ramble.

"Are you sure your not drunk now?"

The moment the waiter came back over with our three Cherry Vodka's was the moment Sam and Freddie decided to return.

"Yo peeps." Sam greeted us. She sat down and snatched the glass, taking a large sip.

"Careful, that's –"

"This isn't water," Sam managed to choke out.

"Is it Vodka?" Freddie asked taking a glass.

"That's Vodka." I finished.

"Are you having any Gibby?" Freddie asked.

"No, I'm the Designated Driver!" Gibby's mood suddenly perked up.

Sam raised her eyebrows before taking another sip. "I always preferred Apple Martini's – do they have those?"

I handed her the drinks menu and then grabbed the last glass of the table. I brought the cup to my lips before I felt somebody tap my shoulder.

I turned around and there _she_ was. _[why should I be surprised that Ana decided to show up in the same black dress, red heels and curled ringlets?]_

"_Calories, Carly-kins, if you drink up good tonight, all your sins will make pretty colors in the toilet bowl." _Ana winked at me before clicking her heels off into the night.

I brought the magic liquid of forgetfulness to my lips and savored every drip of it.

* * *

><p><strong>meh. I don't know if I really like the ending but it was getting to long so I cut it in half. (if you want to see sam and carly's dresses, they're on my profile!)<strong>

**the story's going to be wrapping up soon but…I decided I'm making a sequel! The next two chapters are going to wrap up the story and I'll probably post a teaser of the first chapter before I post the story. The next chapter…I warn you to have tissues.**


	10. Love The Way You Lie

_Don't ever let them see you cheat_

_Don't ever let them see you bleed_

_Don't ever let them shake your hand_

_Don't ever let them let them believe that scam_

_-Skinny by Filter_

When I woke up this morning, I had a _massive _hangover.

_[what the hell happened last night?]_

My head ached moremoremore than it did when I didn't eat – and I suddenly had an urge to make art in the toilet.

I rushed to the bathroom and emptied out my stomach. Once I had finished, I leaned over and sat on the bathtub. I rubbed my eyes and my head before something weird started to happen.

_my stomach twisted in knots, my bones rubbed together to dust, my intestines were being tugged apart, my body was being crunched together_

I tried deep breathing but it wasn't working. I felt like hell_metitsmatch _and I couldn't stand up for more than five seconds. I dropped carelessly to the floor and let the coolness from the tiles evaporate into my skin. My stomach was making my body burn and I needed the tiles like a fish needed water.

I felt another presence come into the room and sit down by me. This person put my head in their lap and began to massage my hair and hold my body close.

_{you wished it was spencer…or moremoremore importantly – __**mommy**__}_

"_Hush little Carly-kins, Spencer and Angie are exhausted after last night."_ Ana whispered in my ears.

My stomach erupted at the thought of Spencer and Angie, alone in his bedroom, in the dark.

I began to cry when it became harder and harder to breath. Ana pulled me closer and rocked me back and forth in her arms.

"_You'll be okay, Carly-kins, Ana's here for you."_ She sang into my dying ears.

Her presence should have made me scared and angered but I couldn't help but collapse into her arms and cryuntilalltheriversdriedup.

_(nobody else made you feel __okay__ when you were at your __lowest__)_

* * *

><p>I stared at the phone as he hung up. I wasn't even sure I knew how to breathe at the moment.<p>

"_That's the price you pay to be beautiful_," Ana said softly. She carefully took the phone from my hand and put it next to my alarm clock.

_that's the price you pay … to lose everything_

"But…I….how…I don't even remember what happened last night!" I tried to cling on to the mountain of life.

"_Gibby does."_ Ana sighed out of boredom, beginning to file her nails.

I retrieved my phone and began dialing Gibby's number.

"Hello?" He answered.

"Hey Gibby,"

"Oh hey Carly! Everything alright?"

"Kind of," I rep_lied_ before shaking my head. "No. Actually everything's _not _alright…did Freddie tell you?"

There was a long pause before Gibby said anything. "I was with him."

_ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod _

I nearly choked on my decreasing saliva. "_What_?"

_that's the price you pay … to be nothing_

"I was with him," Gibby repeated as if that made everything make sense.

but it **doesn't **and it **never** will.

"How? How did it happen?" I began to see black dots cover my vision.

please carly, please eat breakfast

**no! she won't!**

please carly, please don't let yourself fade away

**you're too late!**

"It may be because of last night –"

"Do you remember what happened last night?" I asked him before time could run out.

"Of course I do. It started when Sam ordered the Apple Martini –

* * *

><p>"This party's getting boring. There's <em>nobody<em> here." Sam complained as the waiter walked away.

"Because everybody's off, getting ready for senior year." I said.

"Who cares about being a senior? That just means _more_ work." Sam groaned.

_and moremoremore lying…if I make it that far._

"Come on, Princess Puckett, aren't you a _little_ excited to be one more year closer to getting away from Briggs and Howard?" Freddie asked, snaking his arm around her shoulders.

_i wondered if he could feel her b:o:n:e:s._

Sam shrugged her shoulders and Freddie's left arm. "I just wanna get out of that hellhole!"

Freddie chuckled and pulled her closer so that her head was positioned on top of his shoulder. He started whispering something to her and I turned my head _away_.

a w a y g o e s t h e c a r l y a w a y g o e s t h e s h a y

Gibby leaned over to me. "They should stop being cute."

"Yeah," I whispered. "Yeah they should, shouldn't they?"

_[you only wanted them to stop because they make you want to grab gibby's collar and pull him closecloseclose and make fireworks]_

"Your Apple Martini, miss." The waiter handed Sam the glass. "And more Cherry Vodka's."

"Actually," I piped up. "Can I…can I have an Apple Martini too?"

I didn't pause because I was _nervous::wimpy::scared. _I paused because I was _dizzy::faint::terrified._

The waiter didn't hide the fact that he rolled his eyes and walked away. Sam picked up her glass and handed it to me.

"Try mine first." She ordered, her ocean eyes focused on my coffee eyes.

I brought the glass up to my lips and let the liquid FALLFALlFAllFallfall inside my mouth and pour down my throat. It tasted like my favorite candy as a kid and it was enticing. I brought the glass up to my lips again but Sam snatched it a w a y.

a w a y g o e s t h e c a r l y a n d h e r n e w b e s t f r i e n d

"See? Isn't it delicious?" Sam teased.

"I want more!"

"You're getting your own!" Sam refused me another sip.

I sighed and drank the rest of my own drink. It tasted so _plain_ after the Martini.

_plain…like you._

The waiter came back with my glass of Apple Martini. "My name is Patrick. Don't wear it out."

"We weren't planning to…" Freddie's voice trailed off as the waiter walked on it's path.

"Douche." Sam muttered.

"I think he recently painted his toenails green."

Seddie and I turned to face Gibby in confusion.

"Why…would you say that?" Freddie asked Gibby.

"Because why else would he be in such a crabby mood?" Gibby challenged. "I get crabby whenever I paint my toenails green."

"_You_ paint your toenails green? Why?" Sam nearly choked on her drink.

"It's just something I like to do…" Gibby's voice trailed off and he hung his head low.

I leaned over and patted his head. "Oh don't worry about it, Gibs. Everybody has their own weird little thing they like to do."

Gibby brought his head back up and shrugged his shoulders. "Liquid soap removes the pain."

I saw Sam give me _that look_ – but this look meant "_Carly and Gibby, sittin' in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G!"_

I ignored her look but watched her finish the rest of her drink in a big swig. "You know what, Carly? Let's dance. You and me."

"What?" I asked in disbelief when Sam pulled me a w a y.

a w a y g o e s t h e c a r l y a n d t h e b u l i m i c

* * *

><p>"And then you guys went off to the dance floor," Gibby reminded me.<p>

"Where we talked for a little bit during the song," I remembered.

* * *

><p>She pulled to the dance floor and we pushed through the sea of horny boys and slutty girls. Sam picked a spot that was far a w a y from Freddie and Gibby but close to the middle of the dance floor.<p>

"What's up?" I asked her as the music began playing a slower beat.

_if i die young_

_bury me in satin_

_lay me down on a bed of roses_

"I like this song." Sam swayed her body softly.

"It's depressing to me," I said. [that's why you listen to it when you fall asleep]

_sink me in the river, at dawn_

_send me away with the words of a love song_

"I like depressing songs."

I nudged her shoulder. "Of course I know that. You always have."

_Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother_

_she'll know I'm safe with you when she sees all of my colors_

"You and Freddie know that. My mom doesn't care what type of music I listen to." Sam confessed what had really been eating her. [oh the irony]

"Aren't you and your mom still taking those therapy classes?"

"We stopped a couple months ago because she couldn't afford them," Sam explained. "So when we stopped, she went back to her normal ways."

_life ain't always what you think it ought to be_

"Stopped paying the bills, screaming at your cat to get a job, making riots downtown?" I sighed.

_ain't even gray, but she buries her baby_

"I don't think she even knows where I am half the time I'm not at home…or even cares." Sam's eyes were lost in the crowd of people.

"Just because she wasn't ready to be a mom doesn't mean she doesn't care about you," I told her softly, trying to find them again. "And you always have Freddie and me. _Forever._"

_the sharp knife of a short life_

_well, i've had just enough time_

"Forever feels so short now…have you noticed that? Like everything could just end now." Sam worried.

"I try not to think it about," I admitted. "I mean after next year…everything changes. I hate the thought of it."

"We were supposed to do iCarly forever, always stay together forever," Sam reminded me. "What happens when forever ends?"

_there's a boy here in town who says he'll love me forever_

_who would have thought forever could be severed_

"Let's not think about that," I pleaded. "Let's just think about tonight. You and me. You and Freddie. Gibby and me. Just us four – _forever_.

* * *

><p>"That's all I remember," I told Gibby. "Everything else is just like that Katy Perry song. <em>It's a blacked out blur, but I'm pretty sure it ruled, damn!<em>"

"You guys were _wasted_," Gibby emphasized. "Even Freddie!"

"Oh my God-"

"But then I brought you all home, Sam went with Freddie inside his apartment-"

"Oh my God!"

"I don't want to learn the details of last night," I heard Gibby shudder.

"Listen Gibs, I've got to –"

"Are you sure your okay? You don't want to talk about it?"

"…I've got to go pee." I said shyly.

"Oh…never mind."

We hung up and I ran to the bathroom.

* * *

><p>When we were shopping for the black dresses, Sam and I decided to go to the food court. She ordered chili fries (268), buffalo wings (430) and a large Coke (460). I got a water bottle (0) and a Greek salad (105).<p>

Sam ate all of her food without hesitation while I drank my water and picked at my salad. While she was swimming in 1,158 calories, I stayed ashore by eating at most 50.

We talked a little bit as she ate : who was going where, who was doing what/who, who Wendy was going to say she met over the summer, what iCarly bit we should do soon, and why Angie was always so peppy.

"I think her mom made her take peppy pills." I said.

"I think she was a cheerleader all her life and never learned when to stop smiling." Sam and her buffalo wing said.

"I think she's fake and secretly trying to steal all of Spencer's artwork." I said.

Sam stared at me with her big blue eyes as she sipped her coke. "Hmm…I think you're right. Who else could be that peppy without a motive?"

"And maybe she's done this before which is why she's so good at staying peppy," I thought aloud.

"Maybe she's a prostitute/spy." Sam suggested.

We stared at each other for a second before we started **c**_r_a**c**_k_i**n**_g_ up. Other teenagers and families looked over to us but Sam and I didn't notice. _[they thought we were messed up but they'll never know how __right__ they were]_

"I agree with you on the first one though," I said when we managed to stop laughing.

"Tell me," Sam and her drink asked me. "Why _do_ you hate her?"

I sighed before answering. "Although I'm happy Spencer's happy and all…but I just can't like her like he does. He and I were always the only two in the house and now she came along. Spencer was always the father I never had – because you know how my dad's away under sea and stuff – and I feel like…"

"She's trying to be your mother?" Sam finished for me.

_that's why you'll always be my best friend_

I nodded but didn't say anything else.

"If Angie ever tries to take that spot, you're not going to do the corny thing and accept it. You're going to put her right back in her spot – Spencer's _girl_friend. Not Mommy Dearest, not Mother, not Mom, but _Angie_." Sam instructed me.

_that's why you'll always be my best friend_

I smiled a little. "Thanks Sam…only you understand why I can't accept it all."

Sam shrugged it off. "We've been best friends since we were what, eight? I _know_ everything about you, best friend."

My smile _s p r e a d_ across my face and I leaned over and **c**_r_u**s**_h_e**d** Sam.

_{could you feel her ribcage?}_

"Aw, Carly, I get enough PDA from Freddie!" Sam _pretend_ed to shake me off but gave me a little squeeze.

_{could she feel your hipbones?]_

I laughed a little as we stood up. "Ready to go?"

"Bathroom."

That was the only word I needed to hear before my stomach began c:h::u:r::n:i::n:g in uncomfortable ways.

"I'll guard the door?" I confirmed with Sam as we walked to the Doors of Death.

"Yup. And I'll be out in a mom-"

"Wait!" I stopped her as she went inside.

_my heart told me to stop her – she's beautifully mine for__**n**__ever_

_but my __**ana**__brain told me to let her go inside…_

"..what should I say if people try to come in?" I settled on.

Sam shrugged. "The toilets are clogged."

She went inside and l/o/c/k/e/d the door behind her. I tried to breathe but the deepdeepdeep feeling inside my stomach didn't allow me to think anything else but _pleasehelpsam pleasehelpsam pleasehelpsam._

I watched people walk around me :: drinking smoothies (430), eating chips (150) :: laughing, taking pictures, shopping, _#havingfun_.

I remembered when Sam and I could just walk around the mall and eat our hearts out – not worrying that one of us would hide it away in her purse or the other would throw it up.

_(imissussomuch)_

Sam came out of the bathroom a few minutes later looking _perfect_. Her freshly applied make-up hid the shopping bags under her eyes and pale moon skin. She brushed her hair back into her prettylittleliars ringlets and it looked _golden blonde_ not _ugly yellow._

"Your hair looks different –"

"Bought some blonde dye yesterday. It covers all the dead hair." Sam explained, patting her hair. "I put it on a couple days ago but the colors starting to show now."

_i tried not to get upset that sam played pretend better than me. i tried to be happy that she was floating in the clouds, singing with the stars while i was 50 calories too heavy to reach her._

I sat there in the bathroom, staring at the toilet. _why couldn't i do it? _

I sat there in the bathroom, staring at the toilet, finally letting thoughts run through my head.

_do i even deserve to live?_

_are they lying to me?_

_why hasn't sam called me yet?_

_why am i slowly dying?_

_haven't i been on santa's good list?_

_should i be crying?_

I decided to stop thinking and start _doing_. I stood up, left the bathroom and ran out of the apartment, ignoring Spencer+Angie. _(maybe we should give them a couples name)_

_88.8 lbs can't run all the way there without falling and never getting up. 88.8 lbs needs a car._

_88.8 lbs needs to break open freddie's door and make him drive there._

I knocked on Freddie's door and waited impatiently for him to open up.

I waited _1..2..3..4…5.._ before Freddie finally opened the door. His eyes were tired and his hair was _messy_.

"I don't believe you."

* * *

><p>We drove in silence, the entire 21.3 miles. The music filled the car, patching the brokenness between me and Freddie. <em>(we can never be creddie. we've lost too much <em>_**trus**__touch.)_

Once we finally got to our destination, he led me inside and down the white halls. We were stopped but Freddie told them who he was and they let him go with _sadsadsad_ eyes.

I followed him in slow motion, dreading coming up to the room.

_room 235…room 236…room 237…room 238…room 239-_

"We're here." Freddie said monotonously as we walked into silent room.

I took deepdeepdeep breaths but I found myself shorter in breath _than ever_. I swallowed faster and faster and blinked moremoremore. I bit my lip and stared into the ocean that no longer flowed.

"Believe me now?" Freddie said even more monotonously.

I slowly nodded my head and stared at the ceiling – praying it would fall on me and I would wake up.

"_That's the price you pay_ _to be beautiful_." Ana came up behind me, wrapping her freezing fingers around my **twigs**arms.

_that's the price you pay… to lose everything_

_that's the price you pay… to be nothing_

"They declared it over five hours ago," Freddie spoke up in the silent room of hope_less_ness. "Sam's dead. And there's nothing we can do."

…**am I the only one who cried?**

**I originally had this scene – **_**way**_** back in the beginning before I changed everything – that **_**Carly**_** would die. But then in ****most**** anorexia/bulimia stories, Carly dies. So I changed the plot and twisted the ending so that **_**Sam**_** died. And yes… I didn't really want her too – because it makes me **_**very**_** sad – but someone had to… (was it obvious that sam died? just wondering)**

**The last chapter will be posted sometime this week – hopefully before Friday – and another chapter will be posted next week , with shout-outs to everybody who reviewed/put this story on favorite/alert and one page of the first chapter for the sequel :]**

**so….did I make you cry? ;] **


	11. Finally Falling

**last chapter! enjoy dearies, xoxo.**

_If I was truly what I ate_

_I'd be a peacock feather_

_Or the brightest star_

_Or my biggest dream_

_Or the thinnest toothpick in the pile_

_-Anonymous_

My little black dress didn't seem so pretty anymore. In fact – I **hated** every inch of it.

_just like you hate every inch of yourself._

* * *

><p>The autopsy came out a week after. Sam – had in fact – died of an esophagus rupture and her heart <em>stopped working<em>. **[you hate memories of people saying she's heart**_**less**_**]**

_the last night she was alive she drank too much and threwUP too much._

The scene was too traumatic for me to even _hear: _[when freddie woke up the next morning…he saw her life_less_ body sprawled out in the bathroom – gibby had randomly decided to stop by when freddie woke up and they looked for sam around the house]

Words flew around everybody like birds in the sky but _bulimia_ and _drunk_ and _carly knew all along _never seemed to come into conversation.

H o w e v e r it never stopped me from feeling _guilty _and _horrible_ and _bitchy_. I knew I should have stopped her – yet I supported her.

Freddie and I announced it on iCarly – _(you were too cowardly to do it live so you posted it on a __**blog**__) _– tweeted it on Twitter and posted a status update on SplashFace, and _everybody_ apologized _like they knew her everything._

Like they knew her favorite color. _(brown)_

Like they knew her weirdest craving in the middle of the night. _(eggs + ramen noodles)_

Like they knew the song she listened to non-stop. _(pearl by katy perry)_

Like they knew her darkest secret. _(she didn't see her beauty like we all did)_

I cried rivers and waterfalls and **oceans** and every time I calmed down, I remembered her blue eyes and how she always stared off into space, talking about _Freddie_, before falling asleep, and I erupted again.

I tried listening to music to distract myself but I only head _her_ voice singing and I cried all over again.

I tried to find _peacelovehope _with Freddie but he always distanced himself from me.

_[he used to be everywhere i was…now he can't stand the sight of me]_

I figured he knew all along I knew. I wondered why he never said anything but I was _grateful. _I already h.a.t.e.d myself, I didn't need _.. _hating me too. Although I wished he would say _something_….

* * *

><p>Everybody wanted to say something at the…..<p>

_**funeral**_

They wanted to _::pretend:: _they truly cared about her and wished she could still be here.

_in __real__ity :: they didn't even know her favorite TV show._

Melanie was supposed to speak _firstfirstfirst. _But everybody knows first's the _worstworstworst_. So she's speaking after the priest says some nicemeaninglessforgotten words.

Then _Pam Puckett_ is going to say something.

_Lord, make me a rainbow I'll shine down on my mother_

_She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors_

_Pam Puckett_ is going to _::pretend::_ she knew Sam inside**and**out. That she knew who Sam _really was._ She's going to play the mother and she's going to shine because she's been doing it _for too long_.

Then Spencer Shay is going to speak : _my second__**thebest**__little sister_, _I wish she was still here, I'm going to miss buying all the meat and having it d:i:s:a:p:p:e:a:r._

Then Freddie Benson is going to speak. He's going to play the part of the loving boyfriend who will keep her in his heart and reach out to others.

_(but __freddie benson__ is known for messing up his lines)_

And _f:i:n:a:l:l:y _I'll get to speak. I'll get the chance to tell the **truth**, and **expose** everything. To find the filling to the emptiness that's _killing_ me…

_(but carly shay always forgets to study her lines)_

* * *

><p>Funeral planning <em>sucks.<em>

"Which picture should we showcase?"

"What's her favorite song?"

"Should the family sit up front? Should the family even be _invited_?"

"Should we serve ham?"

"What color should people wear?"

_fuck YOU, fuck YOU, fuck YOU, fuck YOU, and…..fuck YOU._

There were these stupid::dumb::worthless::awful meetings Pam Puckett, Melanie, Spencer, Freddie and I had to attend. We were asked questions about her favorite music, her favorite colors, her favorite everything.

_and they brought back memories._

"Carly – do you think she'd like piano music?"

"_People who play piano are nerds. Don'tcha agree Carls?" _

"Oh Carly…what was her favorite day of the week? That's the day we'll probably have the funeral."

"_I think I like Wednesdays the best. They're the center of attention – the center of the week."_

"Hey Carly, do you think we should have a long or short ceremony?"

"_This ceremony's eternal!"_

Freddie and I were put most in the spotlight. _(oh shining stars – please tell us who you are) _We were asked questions by .. – friends, priests, family members, _police._

"Did Samantha ever physically harm herself?"

_please don't look at the ladder rungs on her arms._

"Did Samantha ever express emotional struggles?

_please don't open her brain. she has secret files in there._

I rep_lied_. I told them everything I _should_. I told them the files she kept open for browsing, and left the secret ones shut. I told them everything she _wanted_ me to tell.

But Freddie rep_lied_ too.

"I have never seen physical proof of harm on herself."

"She never opened up about her emotions, really. Except when she was mad. *insert chuckle*"

Someone took a lock, put it on Freddie, and threw away the key because he _never_ said the _real_ words.

* * *

><p>I walked down the stairs of the church, looking for Gibby.<p>

The funeral was supposed to start in twenty minutes but he had my **script**program and I needed it.

My heels were beginning to choke my feet and my head was feeling lighter than ever and my stomach **h**_u_r**t**. Why?

_i am 510 calories of eggs and bacon. _

I didn't realize the black spots were actually someone coming towards me until the minute my heels gave out and I slipped down the stairs and onto my dress.

The figure made no intention of helping me up so I weakly pushed myself off the ground and rubbed my eyes.

"Freddie? Aren't you supposed to be-"

"Telling everybody the truth?" Freddie **challenged**.

_the first time he's spoke to you since her death and his voice is only filled with __**hatred.**_

"I know you know I know what was _really_ going on with Sam," Freddie revealed. "She knew I knew too, but she didn't stop. You know why? Cause of _you_."

"_Me?_" I played pretend _too_ well.

"Yes you! You _supported_ her! You _kept her going_! If it weren't for _you_, she'd be here right now." Freddie's death glare almost killed you.

"Why didn't _you_ do anything?" My lines flow e.a.s.i.e.r than Sam's o.c.e.a.n

"Because _you_ sabotaged my every step! I tried getting her to eat, but she'd talk about _you_ and how _"perfect" _you are. She'd tell me _you_ made her stronger, and _I_ made her weaker. _You_ supported everything she did while I tried to stop her but you were the only one she listened to."

_that's not how the script goes. _"I _wanted_ to find help-"

"Then you should _have_." Freddie's voice dripped from _hate_ to _detest_. "And then maybe we wouldn't have to have this conversation."

Freddie left those words in my ears, playing on re-pe-pe-peat, and d:i:s:a:p:p:e:a:r:e:d up the stairs.

I'm not sure how long I stood there until Gibby came up out of nowhere.

"Hey Carly-Car! Here's the…what's wrong?" Gibby noticed my blanknothinglost expression.

"I miss Sam."

* * *

><p><em>When we were ten<em>, Sam taught me something she said I needed moremoremore of.

_**confidence**_

Sam be_lie_ved that she could do _anything_ in the wholewideworld.

I be_lie_ved I could do _nothing_ in the wholewideworld.

One day when it was raining, we were curled up on the couch, drinking hot chocolate, and watching Gene Kelly _Singing In The Rain._

"I wish I could do that…" I _wish_pered to myself, drowning in hot chocolate.

"Then do it." Sam said loud and _clear._

"What?"

"Sing in the rain. Right now." Sam told me, setting her hot chocolate down.

"I can't do that! I'd get sick! Or break an ankle! Or look stupid!"

Sam stood up and pulled me up too. "Then I'll do it with you."

She pulled me outside of the apartment out of Bushwell Plaza where it _poured_ down wishes and broken dreams.

Sam wrapped her right leg around the shiny black street lamp, and sang out loud, _"I'm singing in the rain! Just singing in the rain!"_

I grabbed her wrist roughly and with all my Carly might, I tried to pull her down. "What are you doing?" I hissed.

"_Singing in the rain!"_ Sam sang even louder. _"What a glorious feelin, I'm happy again!"_

I wanted to be happy. I wanted to stop _wish_pering and start _living_. Sam made it seem so easy though – hoist yourself up on the street lamp and _sing_. But I couldn't _sing_. I could only _wish_per.

"Come on Carly!" Sam encouraged.

Shaking with pure terror, I wrapped my left leg around the other shiny black street lamp and shakily began singing, _"I'm singing in the rain,"_

"Louder!"

"_Just singing in the rain,"_

"Blow your lungs away!"

"_What a glorious feelin, I'm happy again!"_

Sam joined in with me as we sang the next verse in harmony. _"I'm laughing at the clouds, so dark up above, the sun's in my heart, and I'm ready for love!"_

We giggled while we shined and our lungs burst. Cars honked and stopped. Pedestrians stopped and stared. People took pictures and recorded videos.

_mommy, mommy – i'm a star!_

For the next twenty minutes, Sam and I sang silly songs that made us giggle while we sang and nearly fall off the street lamps until Spencer realized what the commotion was all about.

_[iCarly became sensational but you can't sing in the rain anymore or else you'll wash away]_

* * *

><p>"Sam was literally my polar opposite. But that didn't mean she was my worst enemy. There were times when only she could understand why I acted out or needed to say something mean," Melanie rambled <em>on&amp;on&amp;on <em>about her twin, the words _"I was better than her" _carefully sewed underneath the fabric.

I fumbled with the lace on my dress and tried to pay attention but funerals _hurt_. Especially when _you're_ the reason it's happening.

Melanie choked up in the middle of her speech and sat back down.

_Pam Puckett_ rubbed Melanie's back and took her daughter's place at the podium. She cleared her throat and began,

"Sam was one hell of a daughter I can tell you," Pam started off, her _hurt_ hidden under her mascara.

_ain't even gray_

_but she buries her baby_

"She was a little nightmare growing up, but she was the rock I needed to support me."

_where were you when she needed support?_

"She understood why I couldn't always be at school meetings and talent shows."

_where were you when she needed someone to understand __her__?_

"And she loved me through it all."

_where was your love when she threw up?_

"And I can only hope she's happy where she is now…because if she's happy, I'm happy…for her."

_nice save._

Spencer Shay stood up and took Pam's place at the podium. "Sam was crazy. But she was crazy because she was Sam. She didn't care what others thought: if Sam wants something. Sam _gets_ something. No questions asked."

_Sam Puckett + Carly Shay = BFFS! _

"She brought joy and life into our own lives everyday and she never failed to put us on track either,"

_Sam Shay + Carly Puckett = Secret Sisters!_

"And I'll never forget how many times she helped me and I've helped her. I'll never forget her, _period._ Take care, Sam. We love you."

_Sam + Carly sittin in a tree. H-U-G-G-I-N-G. _

Freddie Benson is next. Freddie Benson has the power to change _everything_ or help _nothing_.

[you only hope he chooses the latter]

"Sam…there aren't any _real_ words that can summarize her. She wasn't like anybody else you would know. She spoke her mind, even if it got her in trouble or hurt somebody else. And she wasn't afraid of _anything_. But she didn't see herself that way. In the moments she shimmered, shined, and sparkled – she only saw rust and _flaw_. She never stopped looking for perfection and she never will. She'll always be here with us, finding the perfection in us, to keep going. To keep moving on and not forgetting her or how she impacted our lives. She'll shimmer, she'll shine, and she'll sparkle even though we won't see it again, but she'll still be the star who stole our hearts."

Freddie Benson ended his speech and sat back down. The audience clapped : cried : smiled : hurt : wondered : and believed Freddie Benson told the _entire_ truth.

I sat up with shaky hands and stepped up to the podium. _[how could I top that speech?]_

_(oh failing star – please tell us who you are)_

"I'm Carly Shay…and I was Sam's best friend."

_mommy, mommy – I'm broken, please kiss my knee and patch me up._

"Words won't _ever_ be able to explain the memories, the _everything_ we did together and shared. Words can't explain how much I wish I wasn't here but sitting back at home with Sam and Freddie and Gibby doing iCarly. So I thought I might sing a little song in her honor – one of her favorites – to express all the feelings I can't say out loud."

I cued the pianist who turned on the stereo and the karaoke version began to play.

_The stars lean down to kiss you__  
><em>_And I lie awake and miss you__  
><em>_Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere__  
><em>_'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly__  
><em>_But I'll miss your arms around me__  
><em>_I'd send a postcard to you, dear__  
><em>_'Cause I wish you were here__  
><em>_I'll watch the night turn light-blue__  
><em>_But it's not the same without you__  
><em>_Because it takes two to whisper quietly__  
><em>_The silence isn't so bad__  
><em>_'Til I look at my hands and feel sad__  
><em>_'Cause the spaces between my fingers__  
><em>_Are right where yours fit perfectly__  
><em>_I'll find repose in new ways__  
><em>_Though I haven't slept in two days__  
><em>_'Cause cold nostalgia__  
><em>_Chills me to the bone__  
><em>_But drenched in vanilla twilight__  
><em>_I'll sit on the front porch all night__  
><em>_Waist-deep in thought because__  
><em>_When I think of you I don't feel so alone__  
><em>_I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone__  
><em>_As many times as I blink__  
><em>_I'll think of you tonight__  
><em>_I'll think of you tonight__  
><em>_When violet eyes get brighter__  
><em>_And heavy wings grow lighter__  
><em>_I'll taste the sky and feel alive again__  
><em>_And I'll forget the world that I knew__  
><em>_But I swear I won't forget you__  
><em>_Oh, if my voice could reach__  
><em>_Back through the past__  
><em>_I'd whisper in your ear__  
><em>_Oh darling, I wish you were here_

I swallowed my tears down and I bit back my _strongstrongstrong _urge to scream out Sam's name until my lungs bled.

_tick tock, tick tock…time's running out for carly shay._

"I love you, Sam. You'll always be my second half – no matter where you are." I didn't stay to hear the audience clap or cry. I ran off the stage and out through the glass doors of hope. The sky greeted me with light teardrops and no sunny side up dreams.

Spencer, Gibby and _Freddie_ came outside a few moments later, when I was _soaked_.

_{soaked with guilt and hunger]_

"Carly what's-" Spencer tried to ask.

"I have anorexia."

Freddie raised his eyebrow and Spencer and Gibby's jaws dropped.

"What are you talking about?" Spencer asked.

"I have anorexia…and Sam had bulimia. We were only playing because at first it was a simple game of losing the extra, unwanted pounds. Then it became a competition – a _dead_ly competition and Sam lost. I don't want to play anymore. I quit, I can't take it anymore…please help me," I cried in sync with the rain.

I cried for Sam and everything she could n e v e r do.

I cried for Pam Puckett and Melanie for the loss of a daughter/twin.

I cried for Freddie for the loss of his only love.

I cried for every broken part of me waiting to be fixed – but trapped in the dark.

Spencer hugged my tightly and I felt Gibby's arms come around my neck. An awkward hand began to pat my back but that was all I needed for now.

_until the scale r:e:a:p:p:e:a:r:e:d and stabbed me in the dark._

**whew….that was intense. it made me sad.**

**I know the ending is suspenseful but remember – there is a sequel! next week, I'll be posting a thank-you chapter and the first page of the story. and if you like it, I'll probably have it up by October.**

**To any of my fellow readers who might be struggling with some of the topics mentioned in this story (anorexia : bulimia : cutting : depression) don't be afraid to find help or comfort in another. you're all beautiful in every single way and just because someone tries to bring you down only means they're finding their comfort by making you lose yours. You don't have to fall and never get up, you can stumble and **_**jump**_** back up. **

**I hope you take this seriously.**


	12. Moving On

**Thanks to all my:**

**Reviewers:**

_howdy y'all_

_Purple xx_

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_Smiley_

_fhdvm_

_SparksFly234_

_iCarlyFTW77 – thanks for the support :]_

_Love-Hate-Life_

_Whateva876 – thank you for all your nice reviews :]_

_vyctoria_

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_vickithevillian_

**_Embrace Your Inner Gibby: _**_your reviews made me smile :]_

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_ChicagoBears_

_Kaitley_

_RyryVaught_

_ccQTccQT_

_emeralddusk_

_**TheWritingMonster**__ – thanks for being here since chapter one…your reviews made me smile each and every email! Thanks xoxoxo :]_

**Story Favorites/Alerts:**

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_**Stolie Silver – **__don't forget to continue your story!_

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>Kitten of Fire<em>

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**i wish i could thank you all individually but that took too long...so thanks everybody!**

**Now for the first page of the new story :]**

* * *

><p><em>anorexia is a parasite…<em>_**not**__ your friend._

I repeated my _n:e:w_ mantra in my head and breathed out recovery.

After spending three weeks – _[15 lbs] – _in **hell**New Seasons, I was taught _n:e:w_ mantras and _n:e:w _food plans. I met _n:e:w_ nurses, _n:e:w _**shrinks**therapists, _n:e:w_ f r i e n d s.

Except they weren't really my friends. They were stuck in the dark, lost in the prettyshiningbright lights of anorexia, playing _hide the food!_ and _pinch the flab on the fattest!_. My real friends flew away from me while I was stuck in quicksand, _lying_ just to protect _us…_

**No**. I will **not** think about _her_. She was the reason I was here. _She_ was the reason I almost _d.i.e.d_ that day at _samanthapucket's_ funeral.

_[there's a reason her game's called __ana__rexia.]_

_She_ was the reason sampuckett d.i.e.d. If I hadn't been so s:c:a:r:e:d of her, I would have found help _sooner_. I would have _saved_ sampuckett+carlyshay=BFF'S life and she would be here with me

_and freddie._

Freddie Benson was getting…._better._ **[better : improved in health: healthier than before] **He _actually came_ to the therapy sessions [although he didn't _speak_], he _talked_ to more people [if "yes", "no", and "I don't care"'s count], and he didn't go to her grave every daydayday like obsessed boyfriends with d.e.a.d girlfriends do.

_but wouldn't they be __**ex-**__girlfriends?_

_no. they never broke up._

_but she's –_

_don't say it!_

It was Freddie Benson who was the least of my worries actually. It was _Spencer+Angie+Gibby= The Make-Carly Fat Team_ [TMCFT] who **threatened**_bothered_ me.

Recovering from the dark days made my days shine brighter but the lights kept flickering _on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off_ because the stupid TMCFT were c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y on my back.

"_What did you eat for breakfast Carly?"_

"_I had a bowl of Cheerios –"_

"_That isn't a full serving! Go eat the waffles I made! They're really good!"_

**-Angelina Harris.**

"_Hey Carly. Want some dinner?"_

"_Oh I just ate –"_

"_What did you eat?"_

"_I had some pizza –"_

"_Where's the box?"_

"_In the recycling –"_

"_You need ice cream."_

**-Spencer Shay.**

"_Carly-Car! Wanna go get burgers or something?"_

"_My stomach hurts, Gibs –"_

"_How about some French Fries?"_

"_Those are __greasy__ –"_

"_You shouldn't be worrying about calories you know!"_

"_I'm not! My stomach hurts and I don't want all the grease!"_

"…_Oh. Then how about some pizza?"_

**-Gibby Cornelius Gibson**.

* * *

><p><strong>this is a rough draft. (exactly 400 words). some things may be changed but this is kind of the aftermath of Carly's breakdown at the funeral. more dramatension/romance will come in the chapter but this is really just to get you all pumped for the sequel :] xoxo.**


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